Quote

My mom gave me one of those cloth calendars for the kitchen. It took me three hours to sew in a dental appointment.

Emo Philips

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Emo Philips
Age: 68
Born: 1956
Born: February 7
Comedian
Film Actor
Stand-Up Comedy
Chicago
Illinois
Kitchen
Mom
Gave
Took
Dental
Hours
Appointment
Three
Cloth
Calendars
Appointments

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I've always thought the best way to teach a kid not to be scared of the dark is to fill his daylight hours with as much horror as possible.
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I love England. In fact, they're getting to know me so well at Heathrow Immigration that this time I was able to completely bypass the six months rabies quarantine.
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My dad and I, we used to play baseball. I was the catcher. Which I liked. Until one day, I saw this game on TV, and I said, Hang on, how come their catcher doesn't have his hands tied to his ankles?
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I grew up in an era when strange adults would grab me on the street and say: 'Don't do that.' You never see that these days. 'Hi, we took the liberty of spanking your son.' Oh thanks, my hand was getting worn.
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When I went to college, my parents threw a going away party for me, according to the letter.
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I've been wrestling with reality for most of my life. I'm pleased to say I've won.
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Once I was in a restaurant and I dropped my fork on the floor, and they gave me a new fork. So I pushed my girlfriend out of her chair.
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I wanted to get from 4th street to 8th... Then I remembered Einstein postulating that parallel lines eventually meet. They're dredging my car from Lake Michigan as we speak.
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One man's pet-stained carpet is another man's Twister game.
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When I was 10, I beat up the school bully. His arms were in casts. That's what gave me the courage.
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I'm totally normal in every respect, but I have this one quirk - I can't give out a number without laughing. It's a problem when I'm giving my credit card number over the phone because they always think: 'He must have just stolen it.'
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My girlfriend said, Just buy me something crazy and expensive, something I don't even need! So, I signed her up for radiation treatment.
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I asked the head musician if I could go onstage during the next break and he said sure. I got two laughs in twenty minutes, and walked out feeling more elated than I had ever felt in my entire life. The glory of that triumph contented me for two full years.
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I've always had a special place in my heart for old women digging through garbage bins. They saved my life so many times as a baby.
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My parents were very protective. I couldn't even cross the street without them getting all excited, and placing bets.
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