Quote

My mom gave me one of those cloth calendars for the kitchen. It took me three hours to sew in a dental appointment.

Emo Philips

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Emo Philips
Age: 68
Born: 1956
Born: February 7
Comedian
Film Actor
Stand-Up Comedy
Chicago
Illinois
Calendars
Appointments
Kitchen
Mom
Gave
Took
Dental
Hours
Appointment
Three
Cloth

More quotes by Emo Philips

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When I went to college, my parents threw a going away party for me, according to the letter.
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I love England. In fact, they're getting to know me so well at Heathrow Immigration that this time I was able to completely bypass the six months rabies quarantine.
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I asked the head musician if I could go onstage during the next break and he said sure. I got two laughs in twenty minutes, and walked out feeling more elated than I had ever felt in my entire life. The glory of that triumph contented me for two full years.
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Well, my brother says 'Hello.' So, hooray for speech therapy.
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When I was 10, I beat up the school bully. His arms were in casts. That's what gave me the courage.
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Once I posed nude for a magazine. I've never been back to THAT newstand.
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I give money to Unicef because I like the 'bang for your buck' aspect. Here's $10, go and save 1,000 kids from blindness!
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Every time I see Dan Quayle I feel like buying a vowel.
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I saw a psychologist once because I thought I had depression. It cost me $100. When I left, I realised that there's nothing he could have said that would cheer me up as much as if I found a $100 bill on my way home.
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When I was a kid, my nickname was Mr. Baseball. Because of the stitches.
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Charlie Chaplin is the greatest artist of the 20th century. He takes me from laughter to tears in seconds. And he was one of the very first funny men. It's like the original violins were made in Cremona and there's never been any better since. Sometimes the best come right off the bat.
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Ambiguity — the Devil's volleyball.
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When I was a kid my dad would say, Emo, do you believe in the Lord? I'd say, Yes! He'd say, Then stand up and shout Hallelujah! So I would ... and I'd fall out of the roller coaster.
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Coming up with a funny joke is like falling in love: It can hit you any time, anywhere. Having said that, the more you put yourself out there, the better your odds will be.
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I don't know how electricity works. All I know is that it calms me.
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Writer's block is a myth. I never see the gardeners suffering from gardening block.
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I picked up a hitch hiker. You've got to when you hit them.
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My parents had very strict rules for me. Rules like, I couldn't be home until a certain hour.
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A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
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Thinking up jokes is easy. The hard part is trying them out on stage, because you never know if they're funny until you get there. Not one comedian in the world ever really knows.
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