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I never cheated on my wife. I took seriously those vows of celibacy.

Emo Philips

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Emo Philips
Age: 68
Born: 1956
Born: February 7
Comedian
Film Actor
Stand-Up Comedy
Chicago
Illinois
Vow
Cheated
Seriously
Took
Wife
Never
Vows
Celibacy

More quotes by Emo Philips

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For some reason, religious jokes seem as trivial as jokes about food or driving.
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I was walking down the street the other day and these construction workers were working on the roof hammering away. One of them told me I was a paranoid lunatic... in morse code.
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Whatever happened to the good ole days, when children worked in factories?
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I've always thought the best way to teach a kid not to be scared of the dark is to fill his daylight hours with as much horror as possible.
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The Scots are a very tough people. They have drive-by headbuttings. In Glasgow a sweatband is considered a silencer.
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Probably the worst time in a person's life is when they have to kill a family member because they are the devil. But otherwise it's been a pretty good day.
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I lent a friend of mine $10,000 for plastic surgery and now I don't know what he looks like.
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I was in a bar the other night, hopping from barstool to barstool, trying to get lucky, but there wasn't any gum under any of them.
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I was a cute baby. My mom said when I was born they threw away the mold. Some of it grew back.
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When I was a kid, I slept on rubber sheets, but now, I'm a man. And I can take the wetness!
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How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.
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My mother was like a sister to me, only we didn't have sex quite so often.
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When I was a kid, my goodness, corporate America was a bunch of stolid white guys in gray suits trying to be serious, and now it's stolid white guys in gray suits trying to be funny.
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I picked up a hitch hiker. You've got to when you hit them.
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I caught my wife in bed with another man and I was crushed. So I said, Get off of me, you two!
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Now there's a seven-day waiting period to buy a gun. Who can stay mad that long?
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I've always suffered from a complete inability to sense who's important.
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I don't really hang out with people. I like to be by myself. In fact, I've been arrested a few times because I like to walk around at two or three in the morning, looking at shop windows. The cops take me to the station and fingerprint me. But I wouldn't call that hanging out.
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When I was a kid my parents used to tell me, Emo, don't go near the cellar door! One day when they were away, I went up to the cellar door. And I pushed it and walked through and saw strange, wonderful things, things I had never seen before, like... trees. Grass. Flowers. The sun... that was nice... the sun.
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Countries are making nuclear weapons like there is no tomorrow.
Emo Philips