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I never cheated on my wife. I took seriously those vows of celibacy.

Emo Philips

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Emo Philips
Age: 68
Born: 1956
Born: February 7
Comedian
Film Actor
Stand-Up Comedy
Chicago
Illinois
Vows
Celibacy
Vow
Cheated
Seriously
Took
Wife
Never

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He taught me never to smile, which helps me when I visit disaster sites.
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My parents had very strict rules for me. Rules like, I couldn't be home until a certain hour.
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Thinking up jokes is easy. The hard part is trying them out on stage, because you never know if they're funny until you get there. Not one comedian in the world ever really knows.
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My computer beat me at checkers, but I sure beat it at kickboxing.
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Well, my brother says 'Hello.' So, hooray for speech therapy.
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I think of my body as a temple. Or at least a relatively well-managed Presbyterian youth center.
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I read that nine out of 10 women fantasize about having an unknown man leap through their bedroom window at night and make mad, passionate love to them. Who would think with those odds, I would now be facing 150 hours of community service.
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I was in a bar the other night, hopping from barstool to barstool, trying to get lucky, but there wasn't any gum under any of them.
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I grew up in an era when strange adults would grab me on the street and say: 'Don't do that.' You never see that these days. 'Hi, we took the liberty of spanking your son.' Oh thanks, my hand was getting worn.
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New York's such a wonderful city. Although I was at the library today. The guy was very rude. I said, I'd like a card. He says, You have to prove you're a citizen of New York. So I stabbed him.
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When I was a kid, my nickname was Mr. Baseball. Because of the stitches.
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When I was a kid my parents used to tell me, Emo, don't go near the cellar door! One day when they were away, I went up to the cellar door. And I pushed it and walked through and saw strange, wonderful things, things I had never seen before, like... trees. Grass. Flowers. The sun... that was nice... the sun.
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Whatever happened to the good ole days, when children worked in factories?
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When I went to college, my parents threw a going away party for me, according to the letter.
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I told my wife she looks sexy with black fingernails. Now she thinks I slammed the car door on her hand on purpose.
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Writer's block is a myth. I never see the gardeners suffering from gardening block.
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I was the kid next door's imaginary friend.
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My sister just had a baby. We can have company over. She'll be in front of everyone with her um... breast... out feeding it. You know... cereal or whatever.
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A friend of mine gave me a Philip Glass record. I listened to it for five hours before I realized it had a scratch on it.
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The American government is making nuclear weapons like there's no tomorrow.
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