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I never cheated on my wife. I took seriously those vows of celibacy.

Emo Philips

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Emo Philips
Age: 68
Born: 1956
Born: February 7
Comedian
Film Actor
Stand-Up Comedy
Chicago
Illinois
Cheated
Seriously
Took
Wife
Never
Vows
Celibacy
Vow

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I think fur looks better on an animal than on a human being. So I dress my dog in a mink teddy.
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I was walking down the street the other day and these construction workers were working on the roof hammering away. One of them told me I was a paranoid lunatic... in morse code.
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I find you can often find humor just by turning something upside-down. Like a... small child.
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If you can make just one person laugh, then you are already doing better than Tony Danza.
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The battle of the sexes will never be won as long as we keep sleeping with the enemy.
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I've always thought the best way to teach a kid not to be scared of the dark is to fill his daylight hours with as much horror as possible.
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My sister just had a baby. We can have company over. She'll be in front of everyone with her um... breast... out feeding it. You know... cereal or whatever.
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When I was a kid, my nickname was Mr. Baseball. Because of the stitches.
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Girls throw their panties on the stage, but rarely if ever do they fit.
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I've been wrestling with reality for most of my life. I'm pleased to say I've won.
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The American government is making nuclear weapons like there's no tomorrow.
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Countries are making nuclear weapons like there is no tomorrow.
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When deciding between two competing theories, always go with the one that doesn't involve a magic spell.
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You know, a lot of girls go out with me just to further their careers...damn anthropologists.
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My girlfriend said, Emo, I'm seeing another man. I said, Well, try rubbing your eyes or something.
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When I was a kid, I slept on rubber sheets, but now, I'm a man. And I can take the wetness!
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A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
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I don't have to tell you folks about scuba diving. So, that'll save some time.
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When I was 10, I beat up the school bully. His arms were in casts. That's what gave me the courage.
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I've always suffered from a complete inability to sense who's important.
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