Quote

My girlfriend said, Just buy me something crazy and expensive, something I don't even need! So, I signed her up for radiation treatment.

Emo Philips

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Emo Philips
Age: 68
Born: 1956
Born: February 7
Comedian
Film Actor
Stand-Up Comedy
Chicago
Illinois
Crazy
Need
Needs
Radiation
Even
Signed
Something
Girlfriend
Treatment
Expensive

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If you can make just one person laugh, then you are already doing better than Tony Danza.
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My sister married a German. He complained he couldn't get a good bagel back home. I said: 'Well, whose fault is that?'
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The Scots are a very tough people. They have drive-by headbuttings. In Glasgow a sweatband is considered a silencer.
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When I was a kid my parents used to tell me, Emo, don't go near the cellar door! One day when they were away, I went up to the cellar door. And I pushed it and walked through and saw strange, wonderful things, things I had never seen before, like... trees. Grass. Flowers. The sun... that was nice... the sun.
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I pray a simple prayer every morning. It's an ecumenical prayer. Whether you're Catholic or Jewish or Muslim or Hindu, I think it speaks to the heart of every faith. It goes “Lord please break the laws of the universe for my convenience. Amen.”
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I had a very close relationship with another kid when I was growing up. I was his imaginary friend.
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I've always thought the best way to teach a kid not to be scared of the dark is to fill his daylight hours with as much horror as possible.
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My grandmother's brain was dead, but her heart was still beating. It was the first time we ever had a democrat in the family.
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The other night, the president gave a speech. He said, children are our most prescious natural resource. I thought, let's hope it never comes to that.
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I'm not a Republican... but I am saving up to be one.
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When I was a kid, I slept on rubber sheets, but now, I'm a man. And I can take the wetness!
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Probably the toughest time in anyone's life is when you have to murder a loved one because they're the devil.
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I always wanted a beautiful loving wife and she always wanted to be a citizen.
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A friend of mine gave me a Philip Glass record. I listened to it for five hours before I realized it had a scratch on it.
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When I wake up in the morning, I just can't get started until I've had that first, piping hot pot of coffee. Oh, I've tried other enemas.
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I don't have to tell you folks about scuba diving. So, that'll save some time.
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I was walking down the street the other day and these construction workers were working on the roof hammering away. One of them told me I was a paranoid lunatic... in morse code.
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I find you can often find humor just by turning something upside-down. Like a... small child.
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When I was a kid, my goodness, corporate America was a bunch of stolid white guys in gray suits trying to be serious, and now it's stolid white guys in gray suits trying to be funny.
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Christmas seems to start earlier and earlier every year. Like, this time, it's on December 25th.
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