Quote

I got a job at an amusement park. I like to make the rides more terrifying by throwing a couple of screws onto the seats.

Emo Philips

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Emo Philips
Age: 68
Born: 1956
Born: February 7
Comedian
Film Actor
Stand-Up Comedy
Chicago
Illinois
Parks
Seats
Onto
Throwing
Rides
Couple
Screws
Jobs
Terrifying
Make
Amusement
Like
Park

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Probably the toughest time in anyone's life is when you have to murder a loved one because they're the devil.
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Girls throw their panties on the stage, but rarely if ever do they fit.
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Probably the worst time in a person's life is when they have to kill a family member because they are the devil. But otherwise it's been a pretty good day.
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If you can make just one person laugh, then you are already doing better than Tony Danza.
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I was in a bar the other night, hopping from barstool to barstool, trying to get lucky, but there wasn't any gum under any of them.
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I like to play chess with bald men in the park although it's hard to find 32 of them.
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When I was a kid, my nickname was Mr. Baseball. Because of the stitches.
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When I wake up in the morning, I just can't get started until I've had that first, piping hot pot of coffee. Oh, I've tried other enemas.
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I'm not Catholic, but I gave up picking my belly button for lint.
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I think of my body as a temple. Or at least a relatively well-managed Presbyterian youth center.
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In our school you were searched for guns and knifes on the way in and if you didn't have any, they gave you some.
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I'm learning Cuban. It's like Spanish, but with fewer words for luxury items.
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Once I was in a restaurant and I dropped my fork on the floor, and they gave me a new fork. So I pushed my girlfriend out of her chair.
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I never cheated on my wife. I took seriously those vows of celibacy.
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My girlfriend said, Emo, I'm seeing another man. I said, Well, try rubbing your eyes or something.
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When I was 10, I beat up the school bully. His arms were in casts. That's what gave me the courage.
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The other night, the president gave a speech. He said, children are our most prescious natural resource. I thought, let's hope it never comes to that.
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I've always thought the best way to teach a kid not to be scared of the dark is to fill his daylight hours with as much horror as possible.
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My grandmother's brain was dead, but her heart was still beating. It was the first time we ever had a democrat in the family.
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For some reason, religious jokes seem as trivial as jokes about food or driving.
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