Quote

I got a job at an amusement park. I like to make the rides more terrifying by throwing a couple of screws onto the seats.

Emo Philips

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Emo Philips
Age: 68
Born: 1956
Born: February 7
Comedian
Film Actor
Stand-Up Comedy
Chicago
Illinois
Seats
Onto
Throwing
Rides
Couple
Screws
Jobs
Terrifying
Make
Amusement
Like
Park
Parks

More quotes by Emo Philips

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Ambiguity — the Devil's volleyball.
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I started doing stand-up at the age of 20. This was back in 1976, around the time (coincidence?) that the first comedy clubs were starting. The young comedians of today gasp when I tell them how many shows I did that first year: 500. Five nights a week.
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I like to play chess with bald men in the park although it's hard to find 32 of them.
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I was feeling a bit down, I went to a therapist a few times, at a hundred bucks a pop. But then I realized that no therapy session would ever cheer me up half as much as if I was just strolling along and found a hundred dollar bill.
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My mom gave me one of those cloth calendars for the kitchen. It took me three hours to sew in a dental appointment.
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A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
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I was the kid next door's imaginary friend.
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The subconscious is like having a laboratory assistant who pretends to love you and help you, but after you go home to go to sleep it goes back into the lab and starts fumbling with the data and destroying it. It's a very tricky thing. People think our minds are us, but that's not true at all. The mind is not us.
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Sex is logically impossible after marriage. You have to overcome the paradox of Not this again, and Hey, where did you learn that?
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Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps.
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I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
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When deciding between two competing theories, always go with the one that doesn't involve a magic spell.
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I used to be scared of pretty girls, until one confessed they're just as scared of me.
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My dad and I, we used to play baseball. I was the catcher. Which I liked. Until one day, I saw this game on TV, and I said, Hang on, how come their catcher doesn't have his hands tied to his ankles?
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I think the whole concept of monotheism is a gift from the gods.
Emo Philips
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I never cheated on my wife. I took seriously those vows of celibacy.
Emo Philips
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My girlfriend said, Emo, I'm seeing another man. I said, Well, try rubbing your eyes or something.
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I don't have to tell you folks about scuba diving. So, that'll save some time.
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My sister gained 80 pounds expecting her baby. Well, you get nervous, waiting for those adoption papers to clear.
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Once I posed nude for a magazine. I've never been back to THAT newstand.
Emo Philips