Quote

I got a job at an amusement park. I like to make the rides more terrifying by throwing a couple of screws onto the seats.

Emo Philips

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Emo Philips
Age: 68
Born: 1956
Born: February 7
Comedian
Film Actor
Stand-Up Comedy
Chicago
Illinois
Onto
Throwing
Rides
Couple
Screws
Jobs
Terrifying
Make
Amusement
Like
Park
Parks
Seats

More quotes by Emo Philips

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When I was a kid my dad would say, Emo, do you believe in the Lord? I'd say, Yes! He'd say, Then stand up and shout Hallelujah! So I would ... and I'd fall out of the roller coaster.
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I used to be scared of pretty girls, until one confessed they're just as scared of me.
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Recently, I've ventured into the mammal family - so that's good for my sex life.
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I think the whole concept of monotheism is a gift from the gods.
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I think fur looks better on an animal than on a human being. So I dress my dog in a mink teddy.
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I learned about sex the hard way... from books.
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If you can make just one person laugh, then you are already doing better than Tony Danza.
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Writer's block is a myth. I never see the gardeners suffering from gardening block.
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I've always had a special place in my heart for old women digging through garbage bins. They saved my life so many times as a baby.
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I went into the gas station, said, Fill 'er up, Harry. The guy said, Regular? I said, No, put on a gorrila suit and dance like a fairy.
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I lent a friend of mine $10,000 for plastic surgery and now I don't know what he looks like.
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I was feeling a bit down, I went to a therapist a few times, at a hundred bucks a pop. But then I realized that no therapy session would ever cheer me up half as much as if I was just strolling along and found a hundred dollar bill.
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If you're worth over $50m you should have to dress like that guy on the Monopoly box. The super-rich shouldn't get all the benefits of looking like a regular guy.
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I don't have to tell you folks about scuba diving. So, that'll save some time.
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Once I posed nude for a magazine. I've never been back to THAT newstand.
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I saw a psychologist once because I thought I had depression. It cost me $100. When I left, I realised that there's nothing he could have said that would cheer me up as much as if I found a $100 bill on my way home.
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There's a joke in everything, the trick is finding it. The best compliment a joke can get is what Huxley said about Darwin's theory of evolution - 'Why didn't I think of that?'
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Now there's a seven-day waiting period to buy a gun. Who can stay mad that long?
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Everyone, everywhere, and all the time, used to laugh at me when I was growing up. So, when I was around 18, I thought, 'I'll become a comedian, and then if everyone laughs at me, I'll be famous.' So I went on stage one night and, for the first time in my life, everyone stopped laughing at me.
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I was walking down fifth avenue today and I found a wallet, and I was gonna keep it, rather than return it, but I thought: well, if I lost a hundred and fifty dollars, how would I feel? And I realized I would want to be taught a lesson.
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