Quote

I got a job at an amusement park. I like to make the rides more terrifying by throwing a couple of screws onto the seats.

Emo Philips

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Emo Philips
Age: 68
Born: 1956
Born: February 7
Comedian
Film Actor
Stand-Up Comedy
Chicago
Illinois
Seats
Onto
Throwing
Rides
Couple
Screws
Jobs
Terrifying
Make
Amusement
Like
Park
Parks

More quotes by Emo Philips

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I pray a simple prayer every morning. It's an ecumenical prayer. Whether you're Catholic or Jewish or Muslim or Hindu, I think it speaks to the heart of every faith. It goes “Lord please break the laws of the universe for my convenience. Amen.”
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Everyone, everywhere, and all the time, used to laugh at me when I was growing up. So, when I was around 18, I thought, 'I'll become a comedian, and then if everyone laughs at me, I'll be famous.' So I went on stage one night and, for the first time in my life, everyone stopped laughing at me.
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Countries are making nuclear weapons like there is no tomorrow.
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In our school you were searched for guns and knifes on the way in and if you didn't have any, they gave you some.
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The battle of the sexes will never be won as long as we keep sleeping with the enemy.
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My girlfriend said, Just buy me something crazy and expensive, something I don't even need! So, I signed her up for radiation treatment.
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I'm totally normal in every respect, but I have this one quirk - I can't give out a number without laughing. It's a problem when I'm giving my credit card number over the phone because they always think: 'He must have just stolen it.'
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Writer's block is a myth. I never see the gardeners suffering from gardening block.
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My mother was like a sister to me, only we didn't have sex quite so often.
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He taught me never to smile, which helps me when I visit disaster sites.
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I was a cute baby. My mom said when I was born they threw away the mold. Some of it grew back.
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When I was a kid my parents used to tell me, Emo, don't go near the cellar door! One day when they were away, I went up to the cellar door. And I pushed it and walked through and saw strange, wonderful things, things I had never seen before, like... trees. Grass. Flowers. The sun... that was nice... the sun.
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Every time I see Dan Quayle I feel like buying a vowel.
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I was walking down fifth avenue today and I found a wallet, and I was gonna keep it, rather than return it, but I thought: well, if I lost a hundred and fifty dollars, how would I feel? And I realized I would want to be taught a lesson.
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I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don't seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper.
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I once had a large gay following, but I ducked into an alleyway and lost him.
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I don't know how electricity works. All I know is that it calms me.
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My sister married a German. He complained he couldn't get a good bagel back home. I said: 'Well, whose fault is that?'
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I had a very close relationship with another kid when I was growing up. I was his imaginary friend.
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I don't have to tell you folks about scuba diving. So, that'll save some time.
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