Quote

I got a job at an amusement park. I like to make the rides more terrifying by throwing a couple of screws onto the seats.

Emo Philips

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Emo Philips
Age: 68
Born: 1956
Born: February 7
Comedian
Film Actor
Stand-Up Comedy
Chicago
Illinois
Parks
Seats
Onto
Throwing
Rides
Couple
Screws
Jobs
Terrifying
Make
Amusement
Like
Park

More quotes by Emo Philips

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I wanted to get from 4th street to 8th... Then I remembered Einstein postulating that parallel lines eventually meet. They're dredging my car from Lake Michigan as we speak.
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New York's such a wonderful city. Although I was at the library today. The guy was very rude. I said, I'd like a card. He says, You have to prove you're a citizen of New York. So I stabbed him.
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My girlfriend said, Emo, I'm seeing another man. I said, Well, try rubbing your eyes or something.
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When I was a kid my parents used to tell me, Emo, don't go near the cellar door! One day when they were away, I went up to the cellar door. And I pushed it and walked through and saw strange, wonderful things, things I had never seen before, like... trees. Grass. Flowers. The sun... that was nice... the sun.
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Sex is logically impossible after marriage. You have to overcome the paradox of Not this again, and Hey, where did you learn that?
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One man's pet-stained carpet is another man's Twister game.
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I'm totally normal in every respect, but I have this one quirk - I can't give out a number without laughing. It's a problem when I'm giving my credit card number over the phone because they always think: 'He must have just stolen it.'
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When I was a kid my dad would say, Emo, do you believe in the Lord? I'd say, Yes! He'd say, Then stand up and shout Hallelujah! So I would ... and I'd fall out of the roller coaster.
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Christmas seems to start earlier and earlier every year. Like, this time, it's on December 25th.
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I was the kid next door's imaginary friend.
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When I was a kid, my goodness, corporate America was a bunch of stolid white guys in gray suits trying to be serious, and now it's stolid white guys in gray suits trying to be funny.
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You should get married. When I was younger, I was into the fame and fortune, and now I realize that a loving wife and happy children - that's life's greatest consolation prize.
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My sister gained 80 pounds expecting her baby. Well, you get nervous, waiting for those adoption papers to clear.
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I don't have to tell you folks about scuba diving. So, that'll save some time.
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I've always suffered from a complete inability to sense who's important.
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When I went to college, my parents threw a going away party for me, according to the letter.
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I'm not Catholic, but I gave up picking my belly button for lint.
Emo Philips
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Whatever happened to the good ole days, when children worked in factories?
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Girls throw their panties on the stage, but rarely if ever do they fit.
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At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free and charge five dollars for the second glass. The refill contained the antidote.
Emo Philips