Quote

I got a job at an amusement park. I like to make the rides more terrifying by throwing a couple of screws onto the seats.

Emo Philips

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Emo Philips
Age: 68
Born: 1956
Born: February 7
Comedian
Film Actor
Stand-Up Comedy
Chicago
Illinois
Parks
Seats
Onto
Throwing
Rides
Couple
Screws
Jobs
Terrifying
Make
Amusement
Like
Park

More quotes by Emo Philips

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I read that nine out of 10 women fantasize about having an unknown man leap through their bedroom window at night and make mad, passionate love to them. Who would think with those odds, I would now be facing 150 hours of community service.
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If you can make just one person laugh, then you are already doing better than Tony Danza.
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I got a letter from the IRS. Apparently I owe them $800. So I sent them a letter back. I said, If you'll remember, I fastened my return with a paper clip, which according to your very own latest government pentagon spending figures will more than make up for the difference.
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My girlfriend said, Emo, I'm seeing another man. I said, Well, try rubbing your eyes or something.
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People come up to me and say, 'Emo, do people really come up to you?'
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Girls throw their panties on the stage, but rarely if ever do they fit.
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I learned about sex the hard way... from books.
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The other day a woman came up to me and said, Didn't I see you on television? I said, I don't know. You can't see out the other way.
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I was walking down fifth avenue today and I found a wallet, and I was gonna keep it, rather than return it, but I thought: well, if I lost a hundred and fifty dollars, how would I feel? And I realized I would want to be taught a lesson.
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He taught me never to smile, which helps me when I visit disaster sites.
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When I was a kid my dad would say, Emo, do you believe in the Lord? I'd say, Yes! He'd say, Then stand up and shout Hallelujah! So I would ... and I'd fall out of the roller coaster.
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I went into the gas station, said, Fill 'er up, Harry. The guy said, Regular? I said, No, put on a gorrila suit and dance like a fairy.
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I used to be scared of pretty girls, until one confessed they're just as scared of me.
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I don't really hang out with people. I like to be by myself. In fact, I've been arrested a few times because I like to walk around at two or three in the morning, looking at shop windows. The cops take me to the station and fingerprint me. But I wouldn't call that hanging out.
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I was feeling a bit down, I went to a therapist a few times, at a hundred bucks a pop. But then I realized that no therapy session would ever cheer me up half as much as if I was just strolling along and found a hundred dollar bill.
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I had a very close relationship with another kid when I was growing up. I was his imaginary friend.
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I was the kid next door's imaginary friend.
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I'm learning Cuban. It's like Spanish, but with fewer words for luxury items.
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Countries are making nuclear weapons like there is no tomorrow.
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At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free and charge five dollars for the second glass. The refill contained the antidote.
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