Quote

I was walking down the street the other day and these construction workers were working on the roof hammering away. One of them told me I was a paranoid lunatic... in morse code.

Emo Philips

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Emo Philips
Age: 68
Born: 1956
Born: February 7
Comedian
Film Actor
Stand-Up Comedy
Chicago
Illinois
Working
Roof
Away
Construction
Code
Workers
Street
Morse
Walking
Hammering
Streets
Paranoid
Told
Lunatic

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When I went to college, my parents threw a going away party for me, according to the letter.
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I find you can often find humor just by turning something upside-down. Like a... small child.
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When I was 10, I beat up the school bully. His arms were in casts. That's what gave me the courage.
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I've been wrestling with reality for most of my life. I'm pleased to say I've won.
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I read that nine out of 10 women fantasize about having an unknown man leap through their bedroom window at night and make mad, passionate love to them. Who would think with those odds, I would now be facing 150 hours of community service.
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In college I was one of six males who auditioned for five male roles in a comedy play. I was the one rejected. At that moment I made up my mind never to place myself at the mercy of some pompous, goateed, black-turtleneck-shirted should I yay him or nay him? pantywaist ever again.
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My grandmother's brain was dead, but her heart was still beating. It was the first time we ever had a democrat in the family.
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My mother was like a sister to me, only we didn't have sex quite so often.
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Countries are making nuclear weapons like there is no tomorrow.
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I got a job at an amusement park. I like to make the rides more terrifying by throwing a couple of screws onto the seats.
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When I was a kid my dad would say, Emo, do you believe in the Lord? I'd say, Yes! He'd say, Then stand up and shout Hallelujah! So I would ... and I'd fall out of the roller coaster.
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I have a lot more things to talk about now because I'm an adult.
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Once I was in a restaurant and I dropped my fork on the floor, and they gave me a new fork. So I pushed my girlfriend out of her chair.
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I never cheated on my wife. I took seriously those vows of celibacy.
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When deciding between two competing theories, always go with the one that doesn't involve a magic spell.
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Probably the worst time in a person's life is when they have to kill a family member because they are the devil. But otherwise it's been a pretty good day.
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They call me Good Time Emo. Because I love a good time! And my name is Emo.
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When I was a kid, my goodness, corporate America was a bunch of stolid white guys in gray suits trying to be serious, and now it's stolid white guys in gray suits trying to be funny.
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I'm totally normal in every respect, but I have this one quirk - I can't give out a number without laughing. It's a problem when I'm giving my credit card number over the phone because they always think: 'He must have just stolen it.'
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My mom gave me one of those cloth calendars for the kitchen. It took me three hours to sew in a dental appointment.
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