Quote

I was walking down the street the other day and these construction workers were working on the roof hammering away. One of them told me I was a paranoid lunatic... in morse code.

Emo Philips

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Emo Philips
Age: 68
Born: 1956
Born: February 7
Comedian
Film Actor
Stand-Up Comedy
Chicago
Illinois
Street
Morse
Walking
Hammering
Streets
Paranoid
Told
Lunatic
Working
Roof
Away
Construction
Code
Workers

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Whatever happened to the good ole days, when children worked in factories?
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I started doing stand-up at the age of 20. This was back in 1976, around the time (coincidence?) that the first comedy clubs were starting. The young comedians of today gasp when I tell them how many shows I did that first year: 500. Five nights a week.
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The subconscious is like having a laboratory assistant who pretends to love you and help you, but after you go home to go to sleep it goes back into the lab and starts fumbling with the data and destroying it. It's a very tricky thing. People think our minds are us, but that's not true at all. The mind is not us.
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I was feeling a bit down, I went to a therapist a few times, at a hundred bucks a pop. But then I realized that no therapy session would ever cheer me up half as much as if I was just strolling along and found a hundred dollar bill.
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I always wanted a beautiful loving wife and she always wanted to be a citizen.
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I've always thought the best way to teach a kid not to be scared of the dark is to fill his daylight hours with as much horror as possible.
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I used to be scared of pretty girls, until one confessed they're just as scared of me.
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Now there's a seven-day waiting period to buy a gun. Who can stay mad that long?
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I have a lot more things to talk about now because I'm an adult.
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My dad always said, If someone hands you a lemon, make lemonade. Plus that also works wonderfully as a metaphor.
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When I was a kid, my goodness, corporate America was a bunch of stolid white guys in gray suits trying to be serious, and now it's stolid white guys in gray suits trying to be funny.
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I find you can often find humor just by turning something upside-down. Like a... small child.
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I lent a friend of mine $10,000 for plastic surgery and now I don't know what he looks like.
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I'm not a Republican... but I am saving up to be one.
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I give money to Unicef because I like the 'bang for your buck' aspect. Here's $10, go and save 1,000 kids from blindness!
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I love England. In fact, they're getting to know me so well at Heathrow Immigration that this time I was able to completely bypass the six months rabies quarantine.
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I got a job at an amusement park. I like to make the rides more terrifying by throwing a couple of screws onto the seats.
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I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
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My girlfriend said, Emo, I'm seeing another man. I said, Well, try rubbing your eyes or something.
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My mom gave me one of those cloth calendars for the kitchen. It took me three hours to sew in a dental appointment.
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