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I was walking down the street the other day and these construction workers were working on the roof hammering away. One of them told me I was a paranoid lunatic... in morse code.
Emo Philips
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Emo Philips
Age: 68
Born: 1956
Born: February 7
Comedian
Film Actor
Stand-Up Comedy
Chicago
Illinois
Told
Lunatic
Working
Roof
Away
Construction
Code
Workers
Street
Morse
Walking
Hammering
Streets
Paranoid
More quotes by Emo Philips
I got a job at an amusement park. I like to make the rides more terrifying by throwing a couple of screws onto the seats.
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When I went to college, my parents threw a going away party for me, according to the letter.
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In our school you were searched for guns and knifes on the way in and if you didn't have any, they gave you some.
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I don't really hang out with people. I like to be by myself. In fact, I've been arrested a few times because I like to walk around at two or three in the morning, looking at shop windows. The cops take me to the station and fingerprint me. But I wouldn't call that hanging out.
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I'm not a Republican... but I am saving up to be one.
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Whatever happened to the good ole days, when children worked in factories?
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Sex is logically impossible after marriage. You have to overcome the paradox of Not this again, and Hey, where did you learn that?
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New York's such a wonderful city. Although I was at the library today. The guy was very rude. I said, I'd like a card. He says, You have to prove you're a citizen of New York. So I stabbed him.
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Writer's block is a myth. I never see the gardeners suffering from gardening block.
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My mother was like a sister to me, only we didn't have sex quite so often.
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I don't know how electricity works. All I know is that it calms me.
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I've always suffered from a complete inability to sense who's important.
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My sister married a German. He complained he couldn't get a good bagel back home. I said: 'Well, whose fault is that?'
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How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.
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When I was a kid, my nickname was Mr. Baseball. Because of the stitches.
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I wanted to get from 4th street to 8th... Then I remembered Einstein postulating that parallel lines eventually meet. They're dredging my car from Lake Michigan as we speak.
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I told my wife she looks sexy with black fingernails. Now she thinks I slammed the car door on her hand on purpose.
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I give money to Unicef because I like the 'bang for your buck' aspect. Here's $10, go and save 1,000 kids from blindness!
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A Mormon told me that they don't drink coffee. I said, A cup of coffee every day gives you wonderful benefits. He said, Like what? I said, Well, it keeps you from being Mormon ...
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I was the kid next door's imaginary friend.
Emo Philips