Quote

I was walking down the street the other day and these construction workers were working on the roof hammering away. One of them told me I was a paranoid lunatic... in morse code.

Emo Philips

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Emo Philips
Age: 68
Born: 1956
Born: February 7
Comedian
Film Actor
Stand-Up Comedy
Chicago
Illinois
Working
Roof
Away
Construction
Code
Workers
Street
Morse
Walking
Hammering
Streets
Paranoid
Told
Lunatic

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I caught my wife in bed with another man and I was crushed. So I said, Get off of me, you two!
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The battle of the sexes will never be won as long as we keep sleeping with the enemy.
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I got a job at an amusement park. I like to make the rides more terrifying by throwing a couple of screws onto the seats.
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I'm not a Republican... but I am saving up to be one.
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Lord please break the laws of the universe for my convenience. Amen.
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When I was a kid, my goodness, corporate America was a bunch of stolid white guys in gray suits trying to be serious, and now it's stolid white guys in gray suits trying to be funny.
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I asked the head musician if I could go onstage during the next break and he said sure. I got two laughs in twenty minutes, and walked out feeling more elated than I had ever felt in my entire life. The glory of that triumph contented me for two full years.
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I had a very close relationship with another kid when I was growing up. I was his imaginary friend.
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My girlfriend said, Just buy me something crazy and expensive, something I don't even need! So, I signed her up for radiation treatment.
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I give money to Unicef because I like the 'bang for your buck' aspect. Here's $10, go and save 1,000 kids from blindness!
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In our school you were searched for guns and knifes on the way in and if you didn't have any, they gave you some.
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When I was 10, I beat up the school bully. His arms were in casts. That's what gave me the courage.
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At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free and charge five dollars for the second glass. The refill contained the antidote.
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My mom gave me one of those cloth calendars for the kitchen. It took me three hours to sew in a dental appointment.
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Charlie Chaplin is the greatest artist of the 20th century. He takes me from laughter to tears in seconds. And he was one of the very first funny men. It's like the original violins were made in Cremona and there's never been any better since. Sometimes the best come right off the bat.
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I was the kid next door's imaginary friend.
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My girlfriend said, Emo, I'm seeing another man. I said, Well, try rubbing your eyes or something.
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