Quote

I was walking down the street the other day and these construction workers were working on the roof hammering away. One of them told me I was a paranoid lunatic... in morse code.

Emo Philips

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Emo Philips
Age: 68
Born: 1956
Born: February 7
Comedian
Film Actor
Stand-Up Comedy
Chicago
Illinois
Streets
Paranoid
Told
Lunatic
Working
Roof
Away
Construction
Code
Workers
Street
Morse
Walking
Hammering

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Recently, I've ventured into the mammal family - so that's good for my sex life.
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Every time I see Dan Quayle I feel like buying a vowel.
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When deciding between two competing theories, always go with the one that doesn't involve a magic spell.
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My grandmother's brain was dead, but her heart was still beating. It was the first time we ever had a democrat in the family.
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I once had a large gay following, but I ducked into an alleyway and lost him.
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People come up to me and say, 'Emo, do people really come up to you?'
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I read that nine out of 10 women fantasize about having an unknown man leap through their bedroom window at night and make mad, passionate love to them. Who would think with those odds, I would now be facing 150 hours of community service.
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My dad and I, we used to play baseball. I was the catcher. Which I liked. Until one day, I saw this game on TV, and I said, Hang on, how come their catcher doesn't have his hands tied to his ankles?
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My mom gave me one of those cloth calendars for the kitchen. It took me three hours to sew in a dental appointment.
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Well, my brother says 'Hello.' So, hooray for speech therapy.
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Whatever happened to the good ole days, when children worked in factories?
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Probably the worst time in a person's life is when they have to kill a family member because they are the devil. But otherwise it's been a pretty good day.
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Once I was in a restaurant and I dropped my fork on the floor, and they gave me a new fork. So I pushed my girlfriend out of her chair.
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I don't really hang out with people. I like to be by myself. In fact, I've been arrested a few times because I like to walk around at two or three in the morning, looking at shop windows. The cops take me to the station and fingerprint me. But I wouldn't call that hanging out.
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