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I'm not a Republican... but I am saving up to be one.

Emo Philips

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Emo Philips
Age: 68
Born: 1956
Born: February 7
Comedian
Film Actor
Stand-Up Comedy
Chicago
Illinois
Saving
Republican

More quotes by Emo Philips

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Whatever happened to the good ole days, when children worked in factories?
Emo Philips
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I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don't seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper.
Emo Philips
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I saw a psychologist once because I thought I had depression. It cost me $100. When I left, I realised that there's nothing he could have said that would cheer me up as much as if I found a $100 bill on my way home.
Emo Philips
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I grew up in an era when strange adults would grab me on the street and say: 'Don't do that.' You never see that these days. 'Hi, we took the liberty of spanking your son.' Oh thanks, my hand was getting worn.
Emo Philips
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You know what I hate? Indian givers... no, I take that back.
Emo Philips
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Charlie Chaplin is the greatest artist of the 20th century. He takes me from laughter to tears in seconds. And he was one of the very first funny men. It's like the original violins were made in Cremona and there's never been any better since. Sometimes the best come right off the bat.
Emo Philips
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In our school you were searched for guns and knifes on the way in and if you didn't have any, they gave you some.
Emo Philips
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I think the whole concept of monotheism is a gift from the gods.
Emo Philips
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Everyone, everywhere, and all the time, used to laugh at me when I was growing up. So, when I was around 18, I thought, 'I'll become a comedian, and then if everyone laughs at me, I'll be famous.' So I went on stage one night and, for the first time in my life, everyone stopped laughing at me.
Emo Philips
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My sister just had a baby. We can have company over. She'll be in front of everyone with her um... breast... out feeding it. You know... cereal or whatever.
Emo Philips
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Once I posed nude for a magazine. I've never been back to THAT newstand.
Emo Philips
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My parents had very strict rules for me. Rules like, I couldn't be home until a certain hour.
Emo Philips
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I never cheated on my wife. I took seriously those vows of celibacy.
Emo Philips
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I have a lot more things to talk about now because I'm an adult.
Emo Philips
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I've always thought the best way to teach a kid not to be scared of the dark is to fill his daylight hours with as much horror as possible.
Emo Philips
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I've been wrestling with reality for most of my life. I'm pleased to say I've won.
Emo Philips
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My dad always said, If someone hands you a lemon, make lemonade. Plus that also works wonderfully as a metaphor.
Emo Philips
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If you can make just one person laugh, then you are already doing better than Tony Danza.
Emo Philips
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I learned about sex the hard way... from books.
Emo Philips
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Thinking up jokes is easy. The hard part is trying them out on stage, because you never know if they're funny until you get there. Not one comedian in the world ever really knows.
Emo Philips