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I'm not a Republican... but I am saving up to be one.

Emo Philips

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Emo Philips
Age: 68
Born: 1956
Born: February 7
Comedian
Film Actor
Stand-Up Comedy
Chicago
Illinois
Saving
Republican

More quotes by Emo Philips

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When deciding between two competing theories, always go with the one that doesn't involve a magic spell.
Emo Philips
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The other night, the president gave a speech. He said, children are our most prescious natural resource. I thought, let's hope it never comes to that.
Emo Philips
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I had a very close relationship with another kid when I was growing up. I was his imaginary friend.
Emo Philips
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The other day a woman came up to me and said, Didn't I see you on television? I said, I don't know. You can't see out the other way.
Emo Philips
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I like to play chess with bald men in the park although it's hard to find 32 of them.
Emo Philips
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I give money to Unicef because I like the 'bang for your buck' aspect. Here's $10, go and save 1,000 kids from blindness!
Emo Philips
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I'm not Catholic, but I gave up picking my belly button for lint.
Emo Philips
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I lent a friend of mine $10,000 for plastic surgery and now I don't know what he looks like.
Emo Philips
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Christmas seems to start earlier and earlier every year. Like, this time, it's on December 25th.
Emo Philips
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I got a job at an amusement park. I like to make the rides more terrifying by throwing a couple of screws onto the seats.
Emo Philips
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I always wanted a beautiful loving wife and she always wanted to be a citizen.
Emo Philips
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They call me Good Time Emo. Because I love a good time! And my name is Emo.
Emo Philips
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Lord please break the laws of the universe for my convenience. Amen.
Emo Philips
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My computer beat me at checkers, but I sure beat it at kickboxing.
Emo Philips
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Probably the worst time in a person's life is when they have to kill a family member because they are the devil. But otherwise it's been a pretty good day.
Emo Philips
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Probably the toughest time in anyone's life is when you have to murder a loved one because they're the devil.
Emo Philips
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In our school you were searched for guns and knifes on the way in and if you didn't have any, they gave you some.
Emo Philips
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For some reason, religious jokes seem as trivial as jokes about food or driving.
Emo Philips
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They have a sign at the beach, no glass bottles. I think that's so the other sand particles don't feel like underachievers.
Emo Philips
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I used to be scared of pretty girls, until one confessed they're just as scared of me.
Emo Philips