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I had a very close relationship with another kid when I was growing up. I was his imaginary friend.

Emo Philips

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Emo Philips
Age: 68
Born: 1956
Born: February 7
Comedian
Film Actor
Stand-Up Comedy
Chicago
Illinois
Close
Friend
Relationship
Growing
Another
Kids
Imaginary

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Ambiguity — the Devil's volleyball.
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At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free and charge five dollars for the second glass. The refill contained the antidote.
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I like to play chess with bald men in the park although it's hard to find 32 of them.
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I asked my girlfriend, 'Will you marry me?' She said, 'We'll have to ask my father.' So we had a seance and Jack Ruby says, 'Hello!'
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They have a sign at the beach, no glass bottles. I think that's so the other sand particles don't feel like underachievers.
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Once I posed nude for a magazine. I've never been back to THAT newstand.
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I saw a psychologist once because I thought I had depression. It cost me $100. When I left, I realised that there's nothing he could have said that would cheer me up as much as if I found a $100 bill on my way home.
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I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
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Coming up with a funny joke is like falling in love: It can hit you any time, anywhere. Having said that, the more you put yourself out there, the better your odds will be.
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Everyone, everywhere, and all the time, used to laugh at me when I was growing up. So, when I was around 18, I thought, 'I'll become a comedian, and then if everyone laughs at me, I'll be famous.' So I went on stage one night and, for the first time in my life, everyone stopped laughing at me.
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My parents were very protective. I couldn't even cross the street without them getting all excited, and placing bets.
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I picked up a hitch hiker. You've got to when you hit them.
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My parents had very strict rules for me. Rules like, I couldn't be home until a certain hour.
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I don't really hang out with people. I like to be by myself. In fact, I've been arrested a few times because I like to walk around at two or three in the morning, looking at shop windows. The cops take me to the station and fingerprint me. But I wouldn't call that hanging out.
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I learned about sex the hard way... from books.
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I'm learning Cuban. It's like Spanish, but with fewer words for luxury items.
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There's a joke in everything, the trick is finding it. The best compliment a joke can get is what Huxley said about Darwin's theory of evolution - 'Why didn't I think of that?'
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I give money to Unicef because I like the 'bang for your buck' aspect. Here's $10, go and save 1,000 kids from blindness!
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You know, a lot of girls go out with me just to further their careers...damn anthropologists.
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I'm not Catholic, but I gave up picking my belly button for lint.
Emo Philips