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I had a very close relationship with another kid when I was growing up. I was his imaginary friend.

Emo Philips

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Emo Philips
Age: 68
Born: 1956
Born: February 7
Comedian
Film Actor
Stand-Up Comedy
Chicago
Illinois
Friend
Relationship
Growing
Another
Kids
Imaginary
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My sister gained 80 pounds expecting her baby. Well, you get nervous, waiting for those adoption papers to clear.
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A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
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Lord please break the laws of the universe for my convenience. Amen.
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I like to play chess with bald men in the park although it's hard to find 32 of them.
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The American government is making nuclear weapons like there's no tomorrow.
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At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free and charge five dollars for the second glass. The refill contained the antidote.
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My first job as a kid was going from door to door selling Christmas cards, to raise money for my grandmother's hip replacement. Because, you know... You break it, you buy it.
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Whatever happened to the good ole days, when children worked in factories?
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My computer beat me at checkers, but I sure beat it at kickboxing.
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A Mormon told me that they don't drink coffee. I said, A cup of coffee every day gives you wonderful benefits. He said, Like what? I said, Well, it keeps you from being Mormon ...
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I've been wrestling with reality for most of my life. I'm pleased to say I've won.
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I got a letter from the IRS. Apparently I owe them $800. So I sent them a letter back. I said, If you'll remember, I fastened my return with a paper clip, which according to your very own latest government pentagon spending figures will more than make up for the difference.
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When I was 10, I beat up the school bully. His arms were in casts. That's what gave me the courage.
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I've always kind of pushed the envelope in terms of trying to get away with things no one else was going near. I always thought of myself like a mouse trying to get cheese that no one else could get without getting their tail snipped off.
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I'm learning Cuban. It's like Spanish, but with fewer words for luxury items.
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You know what I hate? Indian givers... no, I take that back.
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I was the kid next door's imaginary friend.
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My girlfriend said, Emo, I'm seeing another man. I said, Well, try rubbing your eyes or something.
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I don't know how electricity works. All I know is that it calms me.
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When I was a kid, my goodness, corporate America was a bunch of stolid white guys in gray suits trying to be serious, and now it's stolid white guys in gray suits trying to be funny.
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