Quote

Thinking up jokes is easy. The hard part is trying them out on stage, because you never know if they're funny until you get there. Not one comedian in the world ever really knows.

Emo Philips

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Emo Philips
Age: 68
Born: 1956
Born: February 7
Comedian
Film Actor
Stand-Up Comedy
Chicago
Illinois
Thinking
Funny
World
Easy
Part
Ever
Hard
Trying
Comedian
Really
Jokes
Never
Stage

More quotes by Emo Philips

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I learned about sex the hard way... from books.
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They have a sign at the beach, no glass bottles. I think that's so the other sand particles don't feel like underachievers.
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I love Florida. I love the beach. I love the sound of the crashing surfers against the rocks.
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My girlfriend said, Just buy me something crazy and expensive, something I don't even need! So, I signed her up for radiation treatment.
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Christmas seems to start earlier and earlier every year. Like, this time, it's on December 25th.
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I've always had a special place in my heart for old women digging through garbage bins. They saved my life so many times as a baby.
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I was feeling a bit down, I went to a therapist a few times, at a hundred bucks a pop. But then I realized that no therapy session would ever cheer me up half as much as if I was just strolling along and found a hundred dollar bill.
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I saw a psychologist once because I thought I had depression. It cost me $100. When I left, I realised that there's nothing he could have said that would cheer me up as much as if I found a $100 bill on my way home.
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I asked the head musician if I could go onstage during the next break and he said sure. I got two laughs in twenty minutes, and walked out feeling more elated than I had ever felt in my entire life. The glory of that triumph contented me for two full years.
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I like to play chess with bald men in the park although it's hard to find 32 of them.
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Charlie Chaplin is the greatest artist of the 20th century. He takes me from laughter to tears in seconds. And he was one of the very first funny men. It's like the original violins were made in Cremona and there's never been any better since. Sometimes the best come right off the bat.
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I find you can often find humor just by turning something upside-down. Like a... small child.
Emo Philips
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When deciding between two competing theories, always go with the one that doesn't involve a magic spell.
Emo Philips
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Anger punishes the bearer's heart. Who remains angry suffers most. For many, the search for perfection virtually guarantees it will be found, and disregarded in order to continue the search. Some mornings it just doesn't seem worth it to gnaw through the leather straps.
Emo Philips
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I've always thought the best way to teach a kid not to be scared of the dark is to fill his daylight hours with as much horror as possible.
Emo Philips
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Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps.
Emo Philips
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Countries are making nuclear weapons like there is no tomorrow.
Emo Philips
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The other day a woman came up to me and said, Didn't I see you on television? I said, I don't know. You can't see out the other way.
Emo Philips
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I've always kind of pushed the envelope in terms of trying to get away with things no one else was going near. I always thought of myself like a mouse trying to get cheese that no one else could get without getting their tail snipped off.
Emo Philips
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I'm totally normal in every respect, but I have this one quirk - I can't give out a number without laughing. It's a problem when I'm giving my credit card number over the phone because they always think: 'He must have just stolen it.'
Emo Philips