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The Scots are a very tough people. They have drive-by headbuttings. In Glasgow a sweatband is considered a silencer.

Emo Philips

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Emo Philips
Age: 68
Born: 1956
Born: February 7
Comedian
Film Actor
Stand-Up Comedy
Chicago
Illinois
Scots
Considered
Drive
Tough
People
Glasgow

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I've been wrestling with reality for most of my life. I'm pleased to say I've won.
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The subconscious is like having a laboratory assistant who pretends to love you and help you, but after you go home to go to sleep it goes back into the lab and starts fumbling with the data and destroying it. It's a very tricky thing. People think our minds are us, but that's not true at all. The mind is not us.
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When I was 10, I beat up the school bully. His arms were in casts. That's what gave me the courage.
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They call me Good Time Emo. Because I love a good time! And my name is Emo.
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I've always suffered from a complete inability to sense who's important.
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I was a cute baby. My mom said when I was born they threw away the mold. Some of it grew back.
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I lent a friend of mine $10,000 for plastic surgery and now I don't know what he looks like.
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I don't really hang out with people. I like to be by myself. In fact, I've been arrested a few times because I like to walk around at two or three in the morning, looking at shop windows. The cops take me to the station and fingerprint me. But I wouldn't call that hanging out.
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I once had a large gay following, but I ducked into an alleyway and lost him.
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When I was a kid, my goodness, corporate America was a bunch of stolid white guys in gray suits trying to be serious, and now it's stolid white guys in gray suits trying to be funny.
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I'm learning Cuban. It's like Spanish, but with fewer words for luxury items.
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When deciding between two competing theories, always go with the one that doesn't involve a magic spell.
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But I like to swim. At high school, I tried out for the swim team. I shaved off all my body hair, and that extra burst of speed from all the bullies shouting Kill the fairy.
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I'm totally normal in every respect, but I have this one quirk - I can't give out a number without laughing. It's a problem when I'm giving my credit card number over the phone because they always think: 'He must have just stolen it.'
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I went into the gas station, said, Fill 'er up, Harry. The guy said, Regular? I said, No, put on a gorrila suit and dance like a fairy.
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I give money to Unicef because I like the 'bang for your buck' aspect. Here's $10, go and save 1,000 kids from blindness!
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Once I was in a restaurant and I dropped my fork on the floor, and they gave me a new fork. So I pushed my girlfriend out of her chair.
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Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps.
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It's amazing where a joke might come from. I find a lot of humour just by metaphorically turning things upside down or literally like my wife's cat.
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When I was a kid, I slept on rubber sheets, but now, I'm a man. And I can take the wetness!
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