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The Scots are a very tough people. They have drive-by headbuttings. In Glasgow a sweatband is considered a silencer.

Emo Philips

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Emo Philips
Age: 68
Born: 1956
Born: February 7
Comedian
Film Actor
Stand-Up Comedy
Chicago
Illinois
Glasgow
Scots
Considered
Drive
Tough
People

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Once I was in a restaurant and I dropped my fork on the floor, and they gave me a new fork. So I pushed my girlfriend out of her chair.
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They have a sign at the beach, no glass bottles. I think that's so the other sand particles don't feel like underachievers.
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I have a lot more things to talk about now because I'm an adult.
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I don't have to tell you folks about scuba diving. So, that'll save some time.
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I'm not a Republican... but I am saving up to be one.
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I was walking down the street the other day and these construction workers were working on the roof hammering away. One of them told me I was a paranoid lunatic... in morse code.
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I always wanted a beautiful loving wife and she always wanted to be a citizen.
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New York's such a wonderful city. Although I was at the library today. The guy was very rude. I said, I'd like a card. He says, You have to prove you're a citizen of New York. So I stabbed him.
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I think fur looks better on an animal than on a human being. So I dress my dog in a mink teddy.
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Girls throw their panties on the stage, but rarely if ever do they fit.
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I got a job at an amusement park. I like to make the rides more terrifying by throwing a couple of screws onto the seats.
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I started doing stand-up at the age of 20. This was back in 1976, around the time (coincidence?) that the first comedy clubs were starting. The young comedians of today gasp when I tell them how many shows I did that first year: 500. Five nights a week.
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You should get married. When I was younger, I was into the fame and fortune, and now I realize that a loving wife and happy children - that's life's greatest consolation prize.
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I give money to Unicef because I like the 'bang for your buck' aspect. Here's $10, go and save 1,000 kids from blindness!
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I used to be scared of pretty girls, until one confessed they're just as scared of me.
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My parents were very protective. I couldn't even cross the street without them getting all excited, and placing bets.
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My sister just had a baby. We can have company over. She'll be in front of everyone with her um... breast... out feeding it. You know... cereal or whatever.
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I went into the gas station, said, Fill 'er up, Harry. The guy said, Regular? I said, No, put on a gorrila suit and dance like a fairy.
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When I was a kid, my nickname was Mr. Baseball. Because of the stitches.
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You know what I hate? Indian givers... no, I take that back.
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