Quote

I wanted to get from 4th street to 8th... Then I remembered Einstein postulating that parallel lines eventually meet. They're dredging my car from Lake Michigan as we speak.

Emo Philips

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Emo Philips
Age: 68
Born: 1956
Born: February 7
Comedian
Film Actor
Stand-Up Comedy
Chicago
Illinois
Street
Parallel
Car
Einstein
Meet
Michigan
Streets
Parallels
Lines
Lake
Speak
Lakes
Wanted
Remembered
Postulating
Eventually
Dredging

More quotes by Emo Philips

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I think fur looks better on an animal than on a human being. So I dress my dog in a mink teddy.
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I've always had a special place in my heart for old women digging through garbage bins. They saved my life so many times as a baby.
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The battle of the sexes will never be won as long as we keep sleeping with the enemy.
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Sex is logically impossible after marriage. You have to overcome the paradox of Not this again, and Hey, where did you learn that?
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Lord please break the laws of the universe for my convenience. Amen.
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It's amazing where a joke might come from. I find a lot of humour just by metaphorically turning things upside down or literally like my wife's cat.
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I've been wrestling with reality for most of my life. I'm pleased to say I've won.
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My dad and I, we used to play baseball. I was the catcher. Which I liked. Until one day, I saw this game on TV, and I said, Hang on, how come their catcher doesn't have his hands tied to his ankles?
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Anger punishes the bearer's heart. Who remains angry suffers most. For many, the search for perfection virtually guarantees it will be found, and disregarded in order to continue the search. Some mornings it just doesn't seem worth it to gnaw through the leather straps.
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When I was a kid my dad would say, Emo, do you believe in the Lord? I'd say, Yes! He'd say, Then stand up and shout Hallelujah! So I would ... and I'd fall out of the roller coaster.
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My mom gave me one of those cloth calendars for the kitchen. It took me three hours to sew in a dental appointment.
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I find you can often find humor just by turning something upside-down. Like a... small child.
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I started doing stand-up at the age of 20. This was back in 1976, around the time (coincidence?) that the first comedy clubs were starting. The young comedians of today gasp when I tell them how many shows I did that first year: 500. Five nights a week.
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I used to be scared of pretty girls, until one confessed they're just as scared of me.
Emo Philips
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The American government is making nuclear weapons like there's no tomorrow.
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People come up to me and say, 'Emo, do people really come up to you?'
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A Mormon told me that they don't drink coffee. I said, A cup of coffee every day gives you wonderful benefits. He said, Like what? I said, Well, it keeps you from being Mormon ...
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New York's such a wonderful city. Although I was at the library today. The guy was very rude. I said, I'd like a card. He says, You have to prove you're a citizen of New York. So I stabbed him.
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One man's pet-stained carpet is another man's Twister game.
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I've always suffered from a complete inability to sense who's important.
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