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I wanted to get from 4th street to 8th... Then I remembered Einstein postulating that parallel lines eventually meet. They're dredging my car from Lake Michigan as we speak.

Emo Philips

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Emo Philips
Age: 68
Born: 1956
Born: February 7
Comedian
Film Actor
Stand-Up Comedy
Chicago
Illinois
Street
Parallel
Car
Einstein
Meet
Michigan
Streets
Parallels
Lines
Lake
Speak
Lakes
Wanted
Remembered
Postulating
Eventually
Dredging

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My dad and I, we used to play baseball. I was the catcher. Which I liked. Until one day, I saw this game on TV, and I said, Hang on, how come their catcher doesn't have his hands tied to his ankles?
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I've been wrestling with reality for most of my life. I'm pleased to say I've won.
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My girlfriend said, Just buy me something crazy and expensive, something I don't even need! So, I signed her up for radiation treatment.
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I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
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I asked my girlfriend, 'Will you marry me?' She said, 'We'll have to ask my father.' So we had a seance and Jack Ruby says, 'Hello!'
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I was a cute baby. My mom said when I was born they threw away the mold. Some of it grew back.
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I don't know how electricity works. All I know is that it calms me.
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My first job as a kid was going from door to door selling Christmas cards, to raise money for my grandmother's hip replacement. Because, you know... You break it, you buy it.
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The other day a woman came up to me and said, Didn't I see you on television? I said, I don't know. You can't see out the other way.
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Lord please break the laws of the universe for my convenience. Amen.
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Anger punishes the bearer's heart. Who remains angry suffers most. For many, the search for perfection virtually guarantees it will be found, and disregarded in order to continue the search. Some mornings it just doesn't seem worth it to gnaw through the leather straps.
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Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps.
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I caught my wife in bed with another man and I was crushed. So I said, Get off of me, you two!
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The American government is making nuclear weapons like there's no tomorrow.
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I got a letter from the IRS. Apparently I owe them $800. So I sent them a letter back. I said, If you'll remember, I fastened my return with a paper clip, which according to your very own latest government pentagon spending figures will more than make up for the difference.
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I like to play chess with bald men in the park although it's hard to find 32 of them.
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My mom gave me one of those cloth calendars for the kitchen. It took me three hours to sew in a dental appointment.
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