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Sex is logically impossible after marriage. You have to overcome the paradox of Not this again, and Hey, where did you learn that?

Emo Philips

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Emo Philips
Age: 68
Born: 1956
Born: February 7
Comedian
Film Actor
Stand-Up Comedy
Chicago
Illinois
Learn
Logically
Paradox
Hey
Overcome
Overcoming
Sex
Marriage
Impossible

More quotes by Emo Philips

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I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
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My sister married a German. He complained he couldn't get a good bagel back home. I said: 'Well, whose fault is that?'
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I'm not Catholic, but I gave up picking my belly button for lint.
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New York's such a wonderful city. Although I was at the library today. The guy was very rude. I said, I'd like a card. He says, You have to prove you're a citizen of New York. So I stabbed him.
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I have a lot more things to talk about now because I'm an adult.
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I learned about sex the hard way... from books.
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At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free and charge five dollars for the second glass. The refill contained the antidote.
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Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps.
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I caught my wife in bed with another man and I was crushed. So I said, Get off of me, you two!
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I've always kind of pushed the envelope in terms of trying to get away with things no one else was going near. I always thought of myself like a mouse trying to get cheese that no one else could get without getting their tail snipped off.
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I was the kid next door's imaginary friend.
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I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don't seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper.
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My grandmother's brain was dead, but her heart was still beating. It was the first time we ever had a democrat in the family.
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Recently, I've ventured into the mammal family - so that's good for my sex life.
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Coming up with a funny joke is like falling in love: It can hit you any time, anywhere. Having said that, the more you put yourself out there, the better your odds will be.
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I once had a large gay following, but I ducked into an alleyway and lost him.
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Ambiguity — the Devil's volleyball.
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I had a very close relationship with another kid when I was growing up. I was his imaginary friend.
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Every time I see Dan Quayle I feel like buying a vowel.
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My computer beat me at checkers, but I sure beat it at kickboxing.
Emo Philips