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Sex is logically impossible after marriage. You have to overcome the paradox of Not this again, and Hey, where did you learn that?

Emo Philips

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Emo Philips
Age: 68
Born: 1956
Born: February 7
Comedian
Film Actor
Stand-Up Comedy
Chicago
Illinois
Marriage
Impossible
Learn
Logically
Paradox
Hey
Overcome
Overcoming
Sex

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Writer's block is a myth. I never see the gardeners suffering from gardening block.
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When deciding between two competing theories, always go with the one that doesn't involve a magic spell.
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At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free and charge five dollars for the second glass. The refill contained the antidote.
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I think of my body as a temple. Or at least a relatively well-managed Presbyterian youth center.
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I was the kid next door's imaginary friend.
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When I was a kid, I slept on rubber sheets, but now, I'm a man. And I can take the wetness!
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I'm not Catholic, but I gave up picking my belly button for lint.
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The other night, the president gave a speech. He said, children are our most prescious natural resource. I thought, let's hope it never comes to that.
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I was a cute baby. My mom said when I was born they threw away the mold. Some of it grew back.
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I was feeling a bit down, I went to a therapist a few times, at a hundred bucks a pop. But then I realized that no therapy session would ever cheer me up half as much as if I was just strolling along and found a hundred dollar bill.
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The American government is making nuclear weapons like there's no tomorrow.
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There's a joke in everything, the trick is finding it. The best compliment a joke can get is what Huxley said about Darwin's theory of evolution - 'Why didn't I think of that?'
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New York's such a wonderful city. Although I was at the library today. The guy was very rude. I said, I'd like a card. He says, You have to prove you're a citizen of New York. So I stabbed him.
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They have a sign at the beach, no glass bottles. I think that's so the other sand particles don't feel like underachievers.
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Recently, I've ventured into the mammal family - so that's good for my sex life.
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I'm not a Republican... but I am saving up to be one.
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Now there's a seven-day waiting period to buy a gun. Who can stay mad that long?
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Coming up with a funny joke is like falling in love: It can hit you any time, anywhere. Having said that, the more you put yourself out there, the better your odds will be.
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My first job as a kid was going from door to door selling Christmas cards, to raise money for my grandmother's hip replacement. Because, you know... You break it, you buy it.
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Everyone, everywhere, and all the time, used to laugh at me when I was growing up. So, when I was around 18, I thought, 'I'll become a comedian, and then if everyone laughs at me, I'll be famous.' So I went on stage one night and, for the first time in my life, everyone stopped laughing at me.
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