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Sex is logically impossible after marriage. You have to overcome the paradox of Not this again, and Hey, where did you learn that?

Emo Philips

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Emo Philips
Age: 68
Born: 1956
Born: February 7
Comedian
Film Actor
Stand-Up Comedy
Chicago
Illinois
Overcoming
Sex
Marriage
Impossible
Learn
Logically
Paradox
Hey
Overcome

More quotes by Emo Philips

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When I went to college, my parents threw a going away party for me, according to the letter.
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When I was a kid, my goodness, corporate America was a bunch of stolid white guys in gray suits trying to be serious, and now it's stolid white guys in gray suits trying to be funny.
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When I was a kid my dad would say, Emo, do you believe in the Lord? I'd say, Yes! He'd say, Then stand up and shout Hallelujah! So I would ... and I'd fall out of the roller coaster.
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I think of my body as a temple. Or at least a relatively well-managed Presbyterian youth center.
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I caught my wife in bed with another man and I was crushed. So I said, Get off of me, you two!
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I used to be scared of pretty girls, until one confessed they're just as scared of me.
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There's a joke in everything, the trick is finding it. The best compliment a joke can get is what Huxley said about Darwin's theory of evolution - 'Why didn't I think of that?'
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Anger punishes the bearer's heart. Who remains angry suffers most. For many, the search for perfection virtually guarantees it will be found, and disregarded in order to continue the search. Some mornings it just doesn't seem worth it to gnaw through the leather straps.
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For some reason, religious jokes seem as trivial as jokes about food or driving.
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The Scots are a very tough people. They have drive-by headbuttings. In Glasgow a sweatband is considered a silencer.
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I told my wife she looks sexy with black fingernails. Now she thinks I slammed the car door on her hand on purpose.
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A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
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I think fur looks better on an animal than on a human being. So I dress my dog in a mink teddy.
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The battle of the sexes will never be won as long as we keep sleeping with the enemy.
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Probably the toughest time in anyone's life is when you have to murder a loved one because they're the devil.
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In college I was one of six males who auditioned for five male roles in a comedy play. I was the one rejected. At that moment I made up my mind never to place myself at the mercy of some pompous, goateed, black-turtleneck-shirted should I yay him or nay him? pantywaist ever again.
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I pray a simple prayer every morning. It's an ecumenical prayer. Whether you're Catholic or Jewish or Muslim or Hindu, I think it speaks to the heart of every faith. It goes “Lord please break the laws of the universe for my convenience. Amen.”
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I don't know how electricity works. All I know is that it calms me.
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Charlie Chaplin is the greatest artist of the 20th century. He takes me from laughter to tears in seconds. And he was one of the very first funny men. It's like the original violins were made in Cremona and there's never been any better since. Sometimes the best come right off the bat.
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Countries are making nuclear weapons like there is no tomorrow.
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