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Sex is logically impossible after marriage. You have to overcome the paradox of Not this again, and Hey, where did you learn that?

Emo Philips

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Emo Philips
Age: 68
Born: 1956
Born: February 7
Comedian
Film Actor
Stand-Up Comedy
Chicago
Illinois
Marriage
Impossible
Learn
Logically
Paradox
Hey
Overcome
Overcoming
Sex

More quotes by Emo Philips

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When I was a kid, I slept on rubber sheets, but now, I'm a man. And I can take the wetness!
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I love Florida. I love the beach. I love the sound of the crashing surfers against the rocks.
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My grandmother's brain was dead, but her heart was still beating. It was the first time we ever had a democrat in the family.
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My girlfriend said, Emo, I'm seeing another man. I said, Well, try rubbing your eyes or something.
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When I was a kid, my goodness, corporate America was a bunch of stolid white guys in gray suits trying to be serious, and now it's stolid white guys in gray suits trying to be funny.
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I don't have to tell you folks about scuba diving. So, that'll save some time.
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I went into the gas station, said, Fill 'er up, Harry. The guy said, Regular? I said, No, put on a gorrila suit and dance like a fairy.
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I told my wife she looks sexy with black fingernails. Now she thinks I slammed the car door on her hand on purpose.
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I had a very close relationship with another kid when I was growing up. I was his imaginary friend.
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Every time I see Dan Quayle I feel like buying a vowel.
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I asked my girlfriend, 'Will you marry me?' She said, 'We'll have to ask my father.' So we had a seance and Jack Ruby says, 'Hello!'
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When I was a kid my parents used to tell me, Emo, don't go near the cellar door! One day when they were away, I went up to the cellar door. And I pushed it and walked through and saw strange, wonderful things, things I had never seen before, like... trees. Grass. Flowers. The sun... that was nice... the sun.
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The battle of the sexes will never be won as long as we keep sleeping with the enemy.
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Whatever happened to the good ole days, when children worked in factories?
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When I was a kid my dad would say, Emo, do you believe in the Lord? I'd say, Yes! He'd say, Then stand up and shout Hallelujah! So I would ... and I'd fall out of the roller coaster.
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I pray a simple prayer every morning. It's an ecumenical prayer. Whether you're Catholic or Jewish or Muslim or Hindu, I think it speaks to the heart of every faith. It goes “Lord please break the laws of the universe for my convenience. Amen.”
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Christmas seems to start earlier and earlier every year. Like, this time, it's on December 25th.
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I picked up a hitch hiker. You've got to when you hit them.
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Probably the worst time in a person's life is when they have to kill a family member because they are the devil. But otherwise it's been a pretty good day.
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I'm learning Cuban. It's like Spanish, but with fewer words for luxury items.
Emo Philips