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Sex is logically impossible after marriage. You have to overcome the paradox of Not this again, and Hey, where did you learn that?

Emo Philips

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Emo Philips
Age: 68
Born: 1956
Born: February 7
Comedian
Film Actor
Stand-Up Comedy
Chicago
Illinois
Overcoming
Sex
Marriage
Impossible
Learn
Logically
Paradox
Hey
Overcome

More quotes by Emo Philips

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I have a lot more things to talk about now because I'm an adult.
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I like to play chess with bald men in the park although it's hard to find 32 of them.
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My grandmother's brain was dead, but her heart was still beating. It was the first time we ever had a democrat in the family.
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My parents had very strict rules for me. Rules like, I couldn't be home until a certain hour.
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When I went to college, my parents threw a going away party for me, according to the letter.
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I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don't seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper.
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I was a cute baby. My mom said when I was born they threw away the mold. Some of it grew back.
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You should get married. When I was younger, I was into the fame and fortune, and now I realize that a loving wife and happy children - that's life's greatest consolation prize.
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I read that nine out of 10 women fantasize about having an unknown man leap through their bedroom window at night and make mad, passionate love to them. Who would think with those odds, I would now be facing 150 hours of community service.
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Charlie Chaplin is the greatest artist of the 20th century. He takes me from laughter to tears in seconds. And he was one of the very first funny men. It's like the original violins were made in Cremona and there's never been any better since. Sometimes the best come right off the bat.
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If you can make just one person laugh, then you are already doing better than Tony Danza.
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They have a sign at the beach, no glass bottles. I think that's so the other sand particles don't feel like underachievers.
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Whatever happened to the good ole days, when children worked in factories?
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When I was a kid my parents used to tell me, Emo, don't go near the cellar door! One day when they were away, I went up to the cellar door. And I pushed it and walked through and saw strange, wonderful things, things I had never seen before, like... trees. Grass. Flowers. The sun... that was nice... the sun.
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One man's pet-stained carpet is another man's Twister game.
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My sister married a German. He complained he couldn't get a good bagel back home. I said: 'Well, whose fault is that?'
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I saw a psychologist once because I thought I had depression. It cost me $100. When I left, I realised that there's nothing he could have said that would cheer me up as much as if I found a $100 bill on my way home.
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I've always thought the best way to teach a kid not to be scared of the dark is to fill his daylight hours with as much horror as possible.
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When I was a kid, I slept on rubber sheets, but now, I'm a man. And I can take the wetness!
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When I was 10, I beat up the school bully. His arms were in casts. That's what gave me the courage.
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