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Sex is logically impossible after marriage. You have to overcome the paradox of Not this again, and Hey, where did you learn that?

Emo Philips

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Emo Philips
Age: 68
Born: 1956
Born: February 7
Comedian
Film Actor
Stand-Up Comedy
Chicago
Illinois
Impossible
Learn
Logically
Paradox
Hey
Overcome
Overcoming
Sex
Marriage

More quotes by Emo Philips

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At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free and charge five dollars for the second glass. The refill contained the antidote.
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The Scots are a very tough people. They have drive-by headbuttings. In Glasgow a sweatband is considered a silencer.
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My sister gained 80 pounds expecting her baby. Well, you get nervous, waiting for those adoption papers to clear.
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The American government is making nuclear weapons like there's no tomorrow.
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I don't really hang out with people. I like to be by myself. In fact, I've been arrested a few times because I like to walk around at two or three in the morning, looking at shop windows. The cops take me to the station and fingerprint me. But I wouldn't call that hanging out.
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I was feeling a bit down, I went to a therapist a few times, at a hundred bucks a pop. But then I realized that no therapy session would ever cheer me up half as much as if I was just strolling along and found a hundred dollar bill.
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Christmas seems to start earlier and earlier every year. Like, this time, it's on December 25th.
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I picked up a hitch hiker. You've got to when you hit them.
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I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
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Anger punishes the bearer's heart. Who remains angry suffers most. For many, the search for perfection virtually guarantees it will be found, and disregarded in order to continue the search. Some mornings it just doesn't seem worth it to gnaw through the leather straps.
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I've always had a special place in my heart for old women digging through garbage bins. They saved my life so many times as a baby.
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I think the whole concept of monotheism is a gift from the gods.
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I saw a psychologist once because I thought I had depression. It cost me $100. When I left, I realised that there's nothing he could have said that would cheer me up as much as if I found a $100 bill on my way home.
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I had a very close relationship with another kid when I was growing up. I was his imaginary friend.
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I have a lot more things to talk about now because I'm an adult.
Emo Philips
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I think fur looks better on an animal than on a human being. So I dress my dog in a mink teddy.
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It's amazing where a joke might come from. I find a lot of humour just by metaphorically turning things upside down or literally like my wife's cat.
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I learned about sex the hard way... from books.
Emo Philips
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When I was a kid, my nickname was Mr. Baseball. Because of the stitches.
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Every time I see Dan Quayle I feel like buying a vowel.
Emo Philips