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I was a cute baby. My mom said when I was born they threw away the mold. Some of it grew back.

Emo Philips

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Emo Philips
Age: 68
Born: 1956
Born: February 7
Comedian
Film Actor
Stand-Up Comedy
Chicago
Illinois
Mold
Cute
Mom
Baby
Grew
Born
Away
Back
Threw

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My sister gained 80 pounds expecting her baby. Well, you get nervous, waiting for those adoption papers to clear.
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Anger punishes the bearer's heart. Who remains angry suffers most. For many, the search for perfection virtually guarantees it will be found, and disregarded in order to continue the search. Some mornings it just doesn't seem worth it to gnaw through the leather straps.
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There's a joke in everything, the trick is finding it. The best compliment a joke can get is what Huxley said about Darwin's theory of evolution - 'Why didn't I think of that?'
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My grandmother's brain was dead, but her heart was still beating. It was the first time we ever had a democrat in the family.
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The other night, the president gave a speech. He said, children are our most prescious natural resource. I thought, let's hope it never comes to that.
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In our school you were searched for guns and knifes on the way in and if you didn't have any, they gave you some.
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One man's pet-stained carpet is another man's Twister game.
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My parents had very strict rules for me. Rules like, I couldn't be home until a certain hour.
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I've always had a special place in my heart for old women digging through garbage bins. They saved my life so many times as a baby.
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I give money to Unicef because I like the 'bang for your buck' aspect. Here's $10, go and save 1,000 kids from blindness!
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Girls throw their panties on the stage, but rarely if ever do they fit.
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I've been wrestling with reality for most of my life. I'm pleased to say I've won.
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I asked the head musician if I could go onstage during the next break and he said sure. I got two laughs in twenty minutes, and walked out feeling more elated than I had ever felt in my entire life. The glory of that triumph contented me for two full years.
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Lord please break the laws of the universe for my convenience. Amen.
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I'm not a Republican... but I am saving up to be one.
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The Scots are a very tough people. They have drive-by headbuttings. In Glasgow a sweatband is considered a silencer.
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Every time I see Dan Quayle I feel like buying a vowel.
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The subconscious is like having a laboratory assistant who pretends to love you and help you, but after you go home to go to sleep it goes back into the lab and starts fumbling with the data and destroying it. It's a very tricky thing. People think our minds are us, but that's not true at all. The mind is not us.
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When I was a kid, my goodness, corporate America was a bunch of stolid white guys in gray suits trying to be serious, and now it's stolid white guys in gray suits trying to be funny.
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I don't have to tell you folks about scuba diving. So, that'll save some time.
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