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Now there's a seven-day waiting period to buy a gun. Who can stay mad that long?

Emo Philips

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Emo Philips
Age: 68
Born: 1956
Born: February 7
Comedian
Film Actor
Stand-Up Comedy
Chicago
Illinois
Long
Mad
Gun
Period
Seven
Periods
Stay
Waiting

More quotes by Emo Philips

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I grew up in an era when strange adults would grab me on the street and say: 'Don't do that.' You never see that these days. 'Hi, we took the liberty of spanking your son.' Oh thanks, my hand was getting worn.
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I love Florida. I love the beach. I love the sound of the crashing surfers against the rocks.
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When I was 10, I beat up the school bully. His arms were in casts. That's what gave me the courage.
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I've always thought the best way to teach a kid not to be scared of the dark is to fill his daylight hours with as much horror as possible.
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The battle of the sexes will never be won as long as we keep sleeping with the enemy.
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But I like to swim. At high school, I tried out for the swim team. I shaved off all my body hair, and that extra burst of speed from all the bullies shouting Kill the fairy.
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I'm not a Republican... but I am saving up to be one.
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I don't know how electricity works. All I know is that it calms me.
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I went into the gas station, said, Fill 'er up, Harry. The guy said, Regular? I said, No, put on a gorrila suit and dance like a fairy.
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My mom gave me one of those cloth calendars for the kitchen. It took me three hours to sew in a dental appointment.
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Thinking up jokes is easy. The hard part is trying them out on stage, because you never know if they're funny until you get there. Not one comedian in the world ever really knows.
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I read that nine out of 10 women fantasize about having an unknown man leap through their bedroom window at night and make mad, passionate love to them. Who would think with those odds, I would now be facing 150 hours of community service.
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Christmas seems to start earlier and earlier every year. Like, this time, it's on December 25th.
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Girls throw their panties on the stage, but rarely if ever do they fit.
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I never cheated on my wife. I took seriously those vows of celibacy.
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My sister just had a baby. We can have company over. She'll be in front of everyone with her um... breast... out feeding it. You know... cereal or whatever.
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Charlie Chaplin is the greatest artist of the 20th century. He takes me from laughter to tears in seconds. And he was one of the very first funny men. It's like the original violins were made in Cremona and there's never been any better since. Sometimes the best come right off the bat.
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My girlfriend said, Just buy me something crazy and expensive, something I don't even need! So, I signed her up for radiation treatment.
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In our school you were searched for guns and knifes on the way in and if you didn't have any, they gave you some.
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I find you can often find humor just by turning something upside-down. Like a... small child.
Emo Philips