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Now there's a seven-day waiting period to buy a gun. Who can stay mad that long?

Emo Philips

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Emo Philips
Age: 68
Born: 1956
Born: February 7
Comedian
Film Actor
Stand-Up Comedy
Chicago
Illinois
Stay
Waiting
Long
Mad
Gun
Period
Seven
Periods

More quotes by Emo Philips

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Ambiguity — the Devil's volleyball.
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My mom gave me one of those cloth calendars for the kitchen. It took me three hours to sew in a dental appointment.
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If you can make just one person laugh, then you are already doing better than Tony Danza.
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I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
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I got a letter from the IRS. Apparently I owe them $800. So I sent them a letter back. I said, If you'll remember, I fastened my return with a paper clip, which according to your very own latest government pentagon spending figures will more than make up for the difference.
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I don't know how electricity works. All I know is that it calms me.
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The battle of the sexes will never be won as long as we keep sleeping with the enemy.
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My sister just had a baby. We can have company over. She'll be in front of everyone with her um... breast... out feeding it. You know... cereal or whatever.
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A Mormon told me that they don't drink coffee. I said, A cup of coffee every day gives you wonderful benefits. He said, Like what? I said, Well, it keeps you from being Mormon ...
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When I was a kid, my goodness, corporate America was a bunch of stolid white guys in gray suits trying to be serious, and now it's stolid white guys in gray suits trying to be funny.
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But I like to swim. At high school, I tried out for the swim team. I shaved off all my body hair, and that extra burst of speed from all the bullies shouting Kill the fairy.
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I caught my wife in bed with another man and I was crushed. So I said, Get off of me, you two!
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My first job as a kid was going from door to door selling Christmas cards, to raise money for my grandmother's hip replacement. Because, you know... You break it, you buy it.
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The other night, the president gave a speech. He said, children are our most prescious natural resource. I thought, let's hope it never comes to that.
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I'm totally normal in every respect, but I have this one quirk - I can't give out a number without laughing. It's a problem when I'm giving my credit card number over the phone because they always think: 'He must have just stolen it.'
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When I was a kid, my nickname was Mr. Baseball. Because of the stitches.
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Christmas seems to start earlier and earlier every year. Like, this time, it's on December 25th.
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Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps.
Emo Philips
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You should get married. When I was younger, I was into the fame and fortune, and now I realize that a loving wife and happy children - that's life's greatest consolation prize.
Emo Philips
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I've been wrestling with reality for most of my life. I'm pleased to say I've won.
Emo Philips