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Now there's a seven-day waiting period to buy a gun. Who can stay mad that long?

Emo Philips

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Emo Philips
Age: 68
Born: 1956
Born: February 7
Comedian
Film Actor
Stand-Up Comedy
Chicago
Illinois
Long
Mad
Gun
Period
Seven
Periods
Stay
Waiting

More quotes by Emo Philips

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When I was a kid, I slept on rubber sheets, but now, I'm a man. And I can take the wetness!
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The subconscious is like having a laboratory assistant who pretends to love you and help you, but after you go home to go to sleep it goes back into the lab and starts fumbling with the data and destroying it. It's a very tricky thing. People think our minds are us, but that's not true at all. The mind is not us.
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I was a cute baby. My mom said when I was born they threw away the mold. Some of it grew back.
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I'm not Catholic, but I gave up picking my belly button for lint.
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I read that nine out of 10 women fantasize about having an unknown man leap through their bedroom window at night and make mad, passionate love to them. Who would think with those odds, I would now be facing 150 hours of community service.
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My mother was like a sister to me, only we didn't have sex quite so often.
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I've always suffered from a complete inability to sense who's important.
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I was in a bar the other night, hopping from barstool to barstool, trying to get lucky, but there wasn't any gum under any of them.
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My girlfriend said, Emo, I'm seeing another man. I said, Well, try rubbing your eyes or something.
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Well, my brother says 'Hello.' So, hooray for speech therapy.
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I've been wrestling with reality for most of my life. I'm pleased to say I've won.
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I was feeling a bit down, I went to a therapist a few times, at a hundred bucks a pop. But then I realized that no therapy session would ever cheer me up half as much as if I was just strolling along and found a hundred dollar bill.
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I picked up a hitch hiker. You've got to when you hit them.
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I love Florida. I love the beach. I love the sound of the crashing surfers against the rocks.
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My parents had very strict rules for me. Rules like, I couldn't be home until a certain hour.
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They call me Good Time Emo. Because I love a good time! And my name is Emo.
Emo Philips
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I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
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When I was a kid, my goodness, corporate America was a bunch of stolid white guys in gray suits trying to be serious, and now it's stolid white guys in gray suits trying to be funny.
Emo Philips
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My sister just had a baby. We can have company over. She'll be in front of everyone with her um... breast... out feeding it. You know... cereal or whatever.
Emo Philips
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My girlfriend said, Just buy me something crazy and expensive, something I don't even need! So, I signed her up for radiation treatment.
Emo Philips