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I saw a psychologist once because I thought I had depression. It cost me $100. When I left, I realised that there's nothing he could have said that would cheer me up as much as if I found a $100 bill on my way home.

Emo Philips

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Emo Philips
Age: 68
Born: 1956
Born: February 7
Comedian
Film Actor
Stand-Up Comedy
Chicago
Illinois
Much
Bills
Way
Saws
Would
Cost
Left
Psychologist
Found
Realised
Thought
Cheer
Home
Depression
Nothing
Bill

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The other day a woman came up to me and said, Didn't I see you on television? I said, I don't know. You can't see out the other way.
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When I wake up in the morning, I just can't get started until I've had that first, piping hot pot of coffee. Oh, I've tried other enemas.
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I love England. In fact, they're getting to know me so well at Heathrow Immigration that this time I was able to completely bypass the six months rabies quarantine.
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Now there's a seven-day waiting period to buy a gun. Who can stay mad that long?
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Sex is logically impossible after marriage. You have to overcome the paradox of Not this again, and Hey, where did you learn that?
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I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
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I'm not a Republican... but I am saving up to be one.
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The American government is making nuclear weapons like there's no tomorrow.
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My dad and I, we used to play baseball. I was the catcher. Which I liked. Until one day, I saw this game on TV, and I said, Hang on, how come their catcher doesn't have his hands tied to his ankles?
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My girlfriend said, Emo, I'm seeing another man. I said, Well, try rubbing your eyes or something.
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I'm not Catholic, but I gave up picking my belly button for lint.
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I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don't seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper.
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Whatever happened to the good ole days, when children worked in factories?
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My mother was like a sister to me, only we didn't have sex quite so often.
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One man's pet-stained carpet is another man's Twister game.
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I went into the gas station, said, Fill 'er up, Harry. The guy said, Regular? I said, No, put on a gorrila suit and dance like a fairy.
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Lord please break the laws of the universe for my convenience. Amen.
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I had a very close relationship with another kid when I was growing up. I was his imaginary friend.
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I find you can often find humor just by turning something upside-down. Like a... small child.
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I think fur looks better on an animal than on a human being. So I dress my dog in a mink teddy.
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