Quote

I saw a psychologist once because I thought I had depression. It cost me $100. When I left, I realised that there's nothing he could have said that would cheer me up as much as if I found a $100 bill on my way home.

Emo Philips

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Emo Philips
Age: 68
Born: 1956
Born: February 7
Comedian
Film Actor
Stand-Up Comedy
Chicago
Illinois
Depression
Home
Bill
Nothing
Bills
Much
Saws
Way
Cost
Would
Left
Psychologist
Found
Realised
Cheer
Thought

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When I was a kid my dad would say, Emo, do you believe in the Lord? I'd say, Yes! He'd say, Then stand up and shout Hallelujah! So I would ... and I'd fall out of the roller coaster.
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My sister gained 80 pounds expecting her baby. Well, you get nervous, waiting for those adoption papers to clear.
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The Scots are a very tough people. They have drive-by headbuttings. In Glasgow a sweatband is considered a silencer.
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Writer's block is a myth. I never see the gardeners suffering from gardening block.
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I think the whole concept of monotheism is a gift from the gods.
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I grew up in an era when strange adults would grab me on the street and say: 'Don't do that.' You never see that these days. 'Hi, we took the liberty of spanking your son.' Oh thanks, my hand was getting worn.
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Now there's a seven-day waiting period to buy a gun. Who can stay mad that long?
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They call me Good Time Emo. Because I love a good time! And my name is Emo.
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I was walking down the street the other day and these construction workers were working on the roof hammering away. One of them told me I was a paranoid lunatic... in morse code.
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When I was a kid, my goodness, corporate America was a bunch of stolid white guys in gray suits trying to be serious, and now it's stolid white guys in gray suits trying to be funny.
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I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
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I've always suffered from a complete inability to sense who's important.
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I was walking down fifth avenue today and I found a wallet, and I was gonna keep it, rather than return it, but I thought: well, if I lost a hundred and fifty dollars, how would I feel? And I realized I would want to be taught a lesson.
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Girls throw their panties on the stage, but rarely if ever do they fit.
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Whatever happened to the good ole days, when children worked in factories?
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When deciding between two competing theories, always go with the one that doesn't involve a magic spell.
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Lord please break the laws of the universe for my convenience. Amen.
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Anger punishes the bearer's heart. Who remains angry suffers most. For many, the search for perfection virtually guarantees it will be found, and disregarded in order to continue the search. Some mornings it just doesn't seem worth it to gnaw through the leather straps.
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My parents were very protective. I couldn't even cross the street without them getting all excited, and placing bets.
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