Quote

I saw a psychologist once because I thought I had depression. It cost me $100. When I left, I realised that there's nothing he could have said that would cheer me up as much as if I found a $100 bill on my way home.

Emo Philips

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Emo Philips
Age: 68
Born: 1956
Born: February 7
Comedian
Film Actor
Stand-Up Comedy
Chicago
Illinois
Left
Psychologist
Found
Realised
Thought
Cheer
Home
Depression
Nothing
Bill
Much
Bills
Way
Saws
Would
Cost

More quotes by Emo Philips

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When I was a kid my parents used to tell me, Emo, don't go near the cellar door! One day when they were away, I went up to the cellar door. And I pushed it and walked through and saw strange, wonderful things, things I had never seen before, like... trees. Grass. Flowers. The sun... that was nice... the sun.
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Probably the worst time in a person's life is when they have to kill a family member because they are the devil. But otherwise it's been a pretty good day.
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Girls throw their panties on the stage, but rarely if ever do they fit.
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Recently, I've ventured into the mammal family - so that's good for my sex life.
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You know, a lot of girls go out with me just to further their careers...damn anthropologists.
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You know what I hate? Indian givers... no, I take that back.
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The other day a woman came up to me and said, Didn't I see you on television? I said, I don't know. You can't see out the other way.
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I was in a bar the other night, hopping from barstool to barstool, trying to get lucky, but there wasn't any gum under any of them.
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But I like to swim. At high school, I tried out for the swim team. I shaved off all my body hair, and that extra burst of speed from all the bullies shouting Kill the fairy.
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One man's pet-stained carpet is another man's Twister game.
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They call me Good Time Emo. Because I love a good time! And my name is Emo.
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I picked up a hitch hiker. You've got to when you hit them.
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I don't know how electricity works. All I know is that it calms me.
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My grandmother's brain was dead, but her heart was still beating. It was the first time we ever had a democrat in the family.
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I started doing stand-up at the age of 20. This was back in 1976, around the time (coincidence?) that the first comedy clubs were starting. The young comedians of today gasp when I tell them how many shows I did that first year: 500. Five nights a week.
Emo Philips
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When I was a kid, my nickname was Mr. Baseball. Because of the stitches.
Emo Philips
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I asked the head musician if I could go onstage during the next break and he said sure. I got two laughs in twenty minutes, and walked out feeling more elated than I had ever felt in my entire life. The glory of that triumph contented me for two full years.
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I caught my wife in bed with another man and I was crushed. So I said, Get off of me, you two!
Emo Philips
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You should get married. When I was younger, I was into the fame and fortune, and now I realize that a loving wife and happy children - that's life's greatest consolation prize.
Emo Philips
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I think the whole concept of monotheism is a gift from the gods.
Emo Philips