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My sister gained 80 pounds expecting her baby. Well, you get nervous, waiting for those adoption papers to clear.
Emo Philips
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Emo Philips
Age: 68
Born: 1956
Born: February 7
Comedian
Film Actor
Stand-Up Comedy
Chicago
Illinois
Baby
Adoption
Waiting
Gained
Clear
Papers
Wells
Expecting
Well
Pounds
Sister
Nervous
Paper
More quotes by Emo Philips
The battle of the sexes will never be won as long as we keep sleeping with the enemy.
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I've always suffered from a complete inability to sense who's important.
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My mom gave me one of those cloth calendars for the kitchen. It took me three hours to sew in a dental appointment.
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My grandmother's brain was dead, but her heart was still beating. It was the first time we ever had a democrat in the family.
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My dad always said, If someone hands you a lemon, make lemonade. Plus that also works wonderfully as a metaphor.
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Probably the toughest time in anyone's life is when you have to murder a loved one because they're the devil.
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I lent a friend of mine $10,000 for plastic surgery and now I don't know what he looks like.
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Christmas seems to start earlier and earlier every year. Like, this time, it's on December 25th.
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It's amazing where a joke might come from. I find a lot of humour just by metaphorically turning things upside down or literally like my wife's cat.
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The other day a woman came up to me and said, Didn't I see you on television? I said, I don't know. You can't see out the other way.
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I'm totally normal in every respect, but I have this one quirk - I can't give out a number without laughing. It's a problem when I'm giving my credit card number over the phone because they always think: 'He must have just stolen it.'
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I don't have to tell you folks about scuba diving. So, that'll save some time.
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I'm learning Cuban. It's like Spanish, but with fewer words for luxury items.
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I have a lot more things to talk about now because I'm an adult.
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I grew up in an era when strange adults would grab me on the street and say: 'Don't do that.' You never see that these days. 'Hi, we took the liberty of spanking your son.' Oh thanks, my hand was getting worn.
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My sister just had a baby. We can have company over. She'll be in front of everyone with her um... breast... out feeding it. You know... cereal or whatever.
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I caught my wife in bed with another man and I was crushed. So I said, Get off of me, you two!
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I'm not a Republican... but I am saving up to be one.
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When I was a kid, my nickname was Mr. Baseball. Because of the stitches.
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When I was a kid, I slept on rubber sheets, but now, I'm a man. And I can take the wetness!
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