Quote

My sister gained 80 pounds expecting her baby. Well, you get nervous, waiting for those adoption papers to clear.

Emo Philips

Change background

T
T
T

Change font

TAGS & TOPICS

Emo Philips
Age: 68
Born: 1956
Born: February 7
Comedian
Film Actor
Stand-Up Comedy
Chicago
Illinois
Baby
Adoption
Waiting
Gained
Clear
Papers
Wells
Expecting
Well
Pounds
Sister
Nervous
Paper

More quotes by Emo Philips

Image
When I was a kid my dad would say, Emo, do you believe in the Lord? I'd say, Yes! He'd say, Then stand up and shout Hallelujah! So I would ... and I'd fall out of the roller coaster.
Emo Philips
Image
If you're worth over $50m you should have to dress like that guy on the Monopoly box. The super-rich shouldn't get all the benefits of looking like a regular guy.
Emo Philips
Image
Sex is logically impossible after marriage. You have to overcome the paradox of Not this again, and Hey, where did you learn that?
Emo Philips
Image
I don't have to tell you folks about scuba diving. So, that'll save some time.
Emo Philips
Image
They have a sign at the beach, no glass bottles. I think that's so the other sand particles don't feel like underachievers.
Emo Philips
Image
My first job as a kid was going from door to door selling Christmas cards, to raise money for my grandmother's hip replacement. Because, you know... You break it, you buy it.
Emo Philips
Image
My grandmother's brain was dead, but her heart was still beating. It was the first time we ever had a democrat in the family.
Emo Philips
Image
My girlfriend said, Emo, I'm seeing another man. I said, Well, try rubbing your eyes or something.
Emo Philips
Image
Recently, I've ventured into the mammal family - so that's good for my sex life.
Emo Philips
Image
I picked up a hitch hiker. You've got to when you hit them.
Emo Philips
Image
There's a joke in everything, the trick is finding it. The best compliment a joke can get is what Huxley said about Darwin's theory of evolution - 'Why didn't I think of that?'
Emo Philips
Image
I grew up in an era when strange adults would grab me on the street and say: 'Don't do that.' You never see that these days. 'Hi, we took the liberty of spanking your son.' Oh thanks, my hand was getting worn.
Emo Philips
Image
Charlie Chaplin is the greatest artist of the 20th century. He takes me from laughter to tears in seconds. And he was one of the very first funny men. It's like the original violins were made in Cremona and there's never been any better since. Sometimes the best come right off the bat.
Emo Philips
Image
Countries are making nuclear weapons like there is no tomorrow.
Emo Philips
Image
The American government is making nuclear weapons like there's no tomorrow.
Emo Philips
Image
I was feeling a bit down, I went to a therapist a few times, at a hundred bucks a pop. But then I realized that no therapy session would ever cheer me up half as much as if I was just strolling along and found a hundred dollar bill.
Emo Philips
Image
Coming up with a funny joke is like falling in love: It can hit you any time, anywhere. Having said that, the more you put yourself out there, the better your odds will be.
Emo Philips
Image
Well, my brother says 'Hello.' So, hooray for speech therapy.
Emo Philips
Image
I always wanted a beautiful loving wife and she always wanted to be a citizen.
Emo Philips
Image
For some reason, religious jokes seem as trivial as jokes about food or driving.
Emo Philips