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My sister gained 80 pounds expecting her baby. Well, you get nervous, waiting for those adoption papers to clear.

Emo Philips

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Emo Philips
Age: 68
Born: 1956
Born: February 7
Comedian
Film Actor
Stand-Up Comedy
Chicago
Illinois
Well
Pounds
Sister
Nervous
Paper
Baby
Adoption
Waiting
Gained
Clear
Papers
Wells
Expecting

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My mother was like a sister to me, only we didn't have sex quite so often.
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My grandmother's brain was dead, but her heart was still beating. It was the first time we ever had a democrat in the family.
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If you can make just one person laugh, then you are already doing better than Tony Danza.
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I was walking down the street the other day and these construction workers were working on the roof hammering away. One of them told me I was a paranoid lunatic... in morse code.
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My girlfriend said, Emo, I'm seeing another man. I said, Well, try rubbing your eyes or something.
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It's amazing where a joke might come from. I find a lot of humour just by metaphorically turning things upside down or literally like my wife's cat.
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Christmas seems to start earlier and earlier every year. Like, this time, it's on December 25th.
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I went into the gas station, said, Fill 'er up, Harry. The guy said, Regular? I said, No, put on a gorrila suit and dance like a fairy.
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I caught my wife in bed with another man and I was crushed. So I said, Get off of me, you two!
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When I was a kid my dad would say, Emo, do you believe in the Lord? I'd say, Yes! He'd say, Then stand up and shout Hallelujah! So I would ... and I'd fall out of the roller coaster.
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I'm learning Cuban. It's like Spanish, but with fewer words for luxury items.
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I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don't seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper.
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I used to be scared of pretty girls, until one confessed they're just as scared of me.
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Charlie Chaplin is the greatest artist of the 20th century. He takes me from laughter to tears in seconds. And he was one of the very first funny men. It's like the original violins were made in Cremona and there's never been any better since. Sometimes the best come right off the bat.
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Well, my brother says 'Hello.' So, hooray for speech therapy.
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I give money to Unicef because I like the 'bang for your buck' aspect. Here's $10, go and save 1,000 kids from blindness!
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I have a lot more things to talk about now because I'm an adult.
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I picked up a hitch hiker. You've got to when you hit them.
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For some reason, religious jokes seem as trivial as jokes about food or driving.
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When I wake up in the morning, I just can't get started until I've had that first, piping hot pot of coffee. Oh, I've tried other enemas.
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