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My sister gained 80 pounds expecting her baby. Well, you get nervous, waiting for those adoption papers to clear.

Emo Philips

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Emo Philips
Age: 68
Born: 1956
Born: February 7
Comedian
Film Actor
Stand-Up Comedy
Chicago
Illinois
Wells
Expecting
Well
Pounds
Sister
Nervous
Paper
Baby
Adoption
Waiting
Gained
Clear
Papers

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Anger punishes the bearer's heart. Who remains angry suffers most. For many, the search for perfection virtually guarantees it will be found, and disregarded in order to continue the search. Some mornings it just doesn't seem worth it to gnaw through the leather straps.
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My dad and I, we used to play baseball. I was the catcher. Which I liked. Until one day, I saw this game on TV, and I said, Hang on, how come their catcher doesn't have his hands tied to his ankles?
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Lord please break the laws of the universe for my convenience. Amen.
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I read that nine out of 10 women fantasize about having an unknown man leap through their bedroom window at night and make mad, passionate love to them. Who would think with those odds, I would now be facing 150 hours of community service.
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I once had a large gay following, but I ducked into an alleyway and lost him.
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My computer beat me at checkers, but I sure beat it at kickboxing.
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I think fur looks better on an animal than on a human being. So I dress my dog in a mink teddy.
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They call me Good Time Emo. Because I love a good time! And my name is Emo.
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There's a joke in everything, the trick is finding it. The best compliment a joke can get is what Huxley said about Darwin's theory of evolution - 'Why didn't I think of that?'
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When I was a kid, I slept on rubber sheets, but now, I'm a man. And I can take the wetness!
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When I was 10, I beat up the school bully. His arms were in casts. That's what gave me the courage.
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My parents had very strict rules for me. Rules like, I couldn't be home until a certain hour.
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If you're worth over $50m you should have to dress like that guy on the Monopoly box. The super-rich shouldn't get all the benefits of looking like a regular guy.
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Well, my brother says 'Hello.' So, hooray for speech therapy.
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I started doing stand-up at the age of 20. This was back in 1976, around the time (coincidence?) that the first comedy clubs were starting. The young comedians of today gasp when I tell them how many shows I did that first year: 500. Five nights a week.
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I find you can often find humor just by turning something upside-down. Like a... small child.
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I've always suffered from a complete inability to sense who's important.
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Writer's block is a myth. I never see the gardeners suffering from gardening block.
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I never cheated on my wife. I took seriously those vows of celibacy.
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I've always thought the best way to teach a kid not to be scared of the dark is to fill his daylight hours with as much horror as possible.
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