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My sister gained 80 pounds expecting her baby. Well, you get nervous, waiting for those adoption papers to clear.

Emo Philips

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Emo Philips
Age: 68
Born: 1956
Born: February 7
Comedian
Film Actor
Stand-Up Comedy
Chicago
Illinois
Waiting
Gained
Clear
Papers
Wells
Expecting
Well
Pounds
Sister
Nervous
Paper
Baby
Adoption

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The other day a woman came up to me and said, Didn't I see you on television? I said, I don't know. You can't see out the other way.
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Recently, I've ventured into the mammal family - so that's good for my sex life.
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My parents had very strict rules for me. Rules like, I couldn't be home until a certain hour.
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I was walking down fifth avenue today and I found a wallet, and I was gonna keep it, rather than return it, but I thought: well, if I lost a hundred and fifty dollars, how would I feel? And I realized I would want to be taught a lesson.
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Once I was in a restaurant and I dropped my fork on the floor, and they gave me a new fork. So I pushed my girlfriend out of her chair.
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Probably the toughest time in anyone's life is when you have to murder a loved one because they're the devil.
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My mom gave me one of those cloth calendars for the kitchen. It took me three hours to sew in a dental appointment.
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I've always thought the best way to teach a kid not to be scared of the dark is to fill his daylight hours with as much horror as possible.
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I'm not Catholic, but I gave up picking my belly button for lint.
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Anger punishes the bearer's heart. Who remains angry suffers most. For many, the search for perfection virtually guarantees it will be found, and disregarded in order to continue the search. Some mornings it just doesn't seem worth it to gnaw through the leather straps.
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I learned about sex the hard way... from books.
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Writer's block is a myth. I never see the gardeners suffering from gardening block.
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The subconscious is like having a laboratory assistant who pretends to love you and help you, but after you go home to go to sleep it goes back into the lab and starts fumbling with the data and destroying it. It's a very tricky thing. People think our minds are us, but that's not true at all. The mind is not us.
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A Mormon told me that they don't drink coffee. I said, A cup of coffee every day gives you wonderful benefits. He said, Like what? I said, Well, it keeps you from being Mormon ...
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I love Florida. I love the beach. I love the sound of the crashing surfers against the rocks.
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My girlfriend said, Emo, I'm seeing another man. I said, Well, try rubbing your eyes or something.
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I don't know how electricity works. All I know is that it calms me.
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Countries are making nuclear weapons like there is no tomorrow.
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