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I read that nine out of 10 women fantasize about having an unknown man leap through their bedroom window at night and make mad, passionate love to them. Who would think with those odds, I would now be facing 150 hours of community service.

Emo Philips

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Emo Philips
Age: 68
Born: 1956
Born: February 7
Comedian
Film Actor
Stand-Up Comedy
Chicago
Illinois
Think
Community
Leap
Thinking
Read
Unknown
Night
Mad
Women
Nine
Make
Passionate
Fantasize
Would
Service
Bedroom
Men
Window
Facing
Love
Hours
Odds

More quotes by Emo Philips

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I started doing stand-up at the age of 20. This was back in 1976, around the time (coincidence?) that the first comedy clubs were starting. The young comedians of today gasp when I tell them how many shows I did that first year: 500. Five nights a week.
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I'm learning Cuban. It's like Spanish, but with fewer words for luxury items.
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I learned about sex the hard way... from books.
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I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don't seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper.
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One man's pet-stained carpet is another man's Twister game.
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Thinking up jokes is easy. The hard part is trying them out on stage, because you never know if they're funny until you get there. Not one comedian in the world ever really knows.
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A Mormon told me that they don't drink coffee. I said, A cup of coffee every day gives you wonderful benefits. He said, Like what? I said, Well, it keeps you from being Mormon ...
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They call me Good Time Emo. Because I love a good time! And my name is Emo.
Emo Philips
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When I was a kid my dad would say, Emo, do you believe in the Lord? I'd say, Yes! He'd say, Then stand up and shout Hallelujah! So I would ... and I'd fall out of the roller coaster.
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My mother was like a sister to me, only we didn't have sex quite so often.
Emo Philips
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When I went to college, my parents threw a going away party for me, according to the letter.
Emo Philips
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I'm totally normal in every respect, but I have this one quirk - I can't give out a number without laughing. It's a problem when I'm giving my credit card number over the phone because they always think: 'He must have just stolen it.'
Emo Philips
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I asked the head musician if I could go onstage during the next break and he said sure. I got two laughs in twenty minutes, and walked out feeling more elated than I had ever felt in my entire life. The glory of that triumph contented me for two full years.
Emo Philips
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I have a lot more things to talk about now because I'm an adult.
Emo Philips
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The Scots are a very tough people. They have drive-by headbuttings. In Glasgow a sweatband is considered a silencer.
Emo Philips
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The subconscious is like having a laboratory assistant who pretends to love you and help you, but after you go home to go to sleep it goes back into the lab and starts fumbling with the data and destroying it. It's a very tricky thing. People think our minds are us, but that's not true at all. The mind is not us.
Emo Philips
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I've always had a special place in my heart for old women digging through garbage bins. They saved my life so many times as a baby.
Emo Philips
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Coming up with a funny joke is like falling in love: It can hit you any time, anywhere. Having said that, the more you put yourself out there, the better your odds will be.
Emo Philips
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Sex is logically impossible after marriage. You have to overcome the paradox of Not this again, and Hey, where did you learn that?
Emo Philips
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When I was 10, I beat up the school bully. His arms were in casts. That's what gave me the courage.
Emo Philips