Quote

I'm learning Cuban. It's like Spanish, but with fewer words for luxury items.

Emo Philips

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Emo Philips
Age: 68
Born: 1956
Born: February 7
Comedian
Film Actor
Stand-Up Comedy
Chicago
Illinois
Words
Like
Cuban
Spanish
Items
Fewer
Luxury
Learning

More quotes by Emo Philips

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I went into the gas station, said, Fill 'er up, Harry. The guy said, Regular? I said, No, put on a gorrila suit and dance like a fairy.
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I don't have to tell you folks about scuba diving. So, that'll save some time.
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I'm not Catholic, but I gave up picking my belly button for lint.
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I love Florida. I love the beach. I love the sound of the crashing surfers against the rocks.
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Girls throw their panties on the stage, but rarely if ever do they fit.
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My mom gave me one of those cloth calendars for the kitchen. It took me three hours to sew in a dental appointment.
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My dad and I, we used to play baseball. I was the catcher. Which I liked. Until one day, I saw this game on TV, and I said, Hang on, how come their catcher doesn't have his hands tied to his ankles?
Emo Philips
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I started doing stand-up at the age of 20. This was back in 1976, around the time (coincidence?) that the first comedy clubs were starting. The young comedians of today gasp when I tell them how many shows I did that first year: 500. Five nights a week.
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I give money to Unicef because I like the 'bang for your buck' aspect. Here's $10, go and save 1,000 kids from blindness!
Emo Philips
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I never cheated on my wife. I took seriously those vows of celibacy.
Emo Philips
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Recently, I've ventured into the mammal family - so that's good for my sex life.
Emo Philips
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When I was a kid, my nickname was Mr. Baseball. Because of the stitches.
Emo Philips
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I always wanted a beautiful loving wife and she always wanted to be a citizen.
Emo Philips
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The Scots are a very tough people. They have drive-by headbuttings. In Glasgow a sweatband is considered a silencer.
Emo Philips
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Probably the worst time in a person's life is when they have to kill a family member because they are the devil. But otherwise it's been a pretty good day.
Emo Philips
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I was in a bar the other night, hopping from barstool to barstool, trying to get lucky, but there wasn't any gum under any of them.
Emo Philips
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Now there's a seven-day waiting period to buy a gun. Who can stay mad that long?
Emo Philips
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I've always kind of pushed the envelope in terms of trying to get away with things no one else was going near. I always thought of myself like a mouse trying to get cheese that no one else could get without getting their tail snipped off.
Emo Philips
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I don't know how electricity works. All I know is that it calms me.
Emo Philips
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I think fur looks better on an animal than on a human being. So I dress my dog in a mink teddy.
Emo Philips