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I'm learning Cuban. It's like Spanish, but with fewer words for luxury items.

Emo Philips

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Emo Philips
Age: 68
Born: 1956
Born: February 7
Comedian
Film Actor
Stand-Up Comedy
Chicago
Illinois
Cuban
Spanish
Items
Fewer
Luxury
Learning
Words
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More quotes by Emo Philips

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I have a lot more things to talk about now because I'm an adult.
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Probably the worst time in a person's life is when they have to kill a family member because they are the devil. But otherwise it's been a pretty good day.
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My girlfriend said, Just buy me something crazy and expensive, something I don't even need! So, I signed her up for radiation treatment.
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I was a cute baby. My mom said when I was born they threw away the mold. Some of it grew back.
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In college I was one of six males who auditioned for five male roles in a comedy play. I was the one rejected. At that moment I made up my mind never to place myself at the mercy of some pompous, goateed, black-turtleneck-shirted should I yay him or nay him? pantywaist ever again.
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I love Florida. I love the beach. I love the sound of the crashing surfers against the rocks.
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I had a very close relationship with another kid when I was growing up. I was his imaginary friend.
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I learned about sex the hard way... from books.
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I wanted to get from 4th street to 8th... Then I remembered Einstein postulating that parallel lines eventually meet. They're dredging my car from Lake Michigan as we speak.
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I asked my girlfriend, 'Will you marry me?' She said, 'We'll have to ask my father.' So we had a seance and Jack Ruby says, 'Hello!'
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I don't really hang out with people. I like to be by myself. In fact, I've been arrested a few times because I like to walk around at two or three in the morning, looking at shop windows. The cops take me to the station and fingerprint me. But I wouldn't call that hanging out.
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When I wake up in the morning, I just can't get started until I've had that first, piping hot pot of coffee. Oh, I've tried other enemas.
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My sister just had a baby. We can have company over. She'll be in front of everyone with her um... breast... out feeding it. You know... cereal or whatever.
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People come up to me and say, 'Emo, do people really come up to you?'
Emo Philips
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My grandmother's brain was dead, but her heart was still beating. It was the first time we ever had a democrat in the family.
Emo Philips
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Lord please break the laws of the universe for my convenience. Amen.
Emo Philips
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I think of my body as a temple. Or at least a relatively well-managed Presbyterian youth center.
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I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
Emo Philips
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They have a sign at the beach, no glass bottles. I think that's so the other sand particles don't feel like underachievers.
Emo Philips
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When I went to college, my parents threw a going away party for me, according to the letter.
Emo Philips