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I'm learning Cuban. It's like Spanish, but with fewer words for luxury items.

Emo Philips

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Emo Philips
Age: 68
Born: 1956
Born: February 7
Comedian
Film Actor
Stand-Up Comedy
Chicago
Illinois
Spanish
Items
Fewer
Luxury
Learning
Words
Like
Cuban

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When I was 10, I beat up the school bully. His arms were in casts. That's what gave me the courage.
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I used to be scared of pretty girls, until one confessed they're just as scared of me.
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The Scots are a very tough people. They have drive-by headbuttings. In Glasgow a sweatband is considered a silencer.
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Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps.
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How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.
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Everyone, everywhere, and all the time, used to laugh at me when I was growing up. So, when I was around 18, I thought, 'I'll become a comedian, and then if everyone laughs at me, I'll be famous.' So I went on stage one night and, for the first time in my life, everyone stopped laughing at me.
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The subconscious is like having a laboratory assistant who pretends to love you and help you, but after you go home to go to sleep it goes back into the lab and starts fumbling with the data and destroying it. It's a very tricky thing. People think our minds are us, but that's not true at all. The mind is not us.
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When I wake up in the morning, I just can't get started until I've had that first, piping hot pot of coffee. Oh, I've tried other enemas.
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Countries are making nuclear weapons like there is no tomorrow.
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They call me Good Time Emo. Because I love a good time! And my name is Emo.
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I grew up in an era when strange adults would grab me on the street and say: 'Don't do that.' You never see that these days. 'Hi, we took the liberty of spanking your son.' Oh thanks, my hand was getting worn.
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I love Florida. I love the beach. I love the sound of the crashing surfers against the rocks.
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I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
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My first job as a kid was going from door to door selling Christmas cards, to raise money for my grandmother's hip replacement. Because, you know... You break it, you buy it.
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I learned about sex the hard way... from books.
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I don't know how electricity works. All I know is that it calms me.
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They have a sign at the beach, no glass bottles. I think that's so the other sand particles don't feel like underachievers.
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I was in a bar the other night, hopping from barstool to barstool, trying to get lucky, but there wasn't any gum under any of them.
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Recently, I've ventured into the mammal family - so that's good for my sex life.
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I've always thought the best way to teach a kid not to be scared of the dark is to fill his daylight hours with as much horror as possible.
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