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I'm learning Cuban. It's like Spanish, but with fewer words for luxury items.

Emo Philips

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Emo Philips
Age: 68
Born: 1956
Born: February 7
Comedian
Film Actor
Stand-Up Comedy
Chicago
Illinois
Spanish
Items
Fewer
Luxury
Learning
Words
Like
Cuban

More quotes by Emo Philips

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I wanted to get from 4th street to 8th... Then I remembered Einstein postulating that parallel lines eventually meet. They're dredging my car from Lake Michigan as we speak.
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Every time I see Dan Quayle I feel like buying a vowel.
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I don't really hang out with people. I like to be by myself. In fact, I've been arrested a few times because I like to walk around at two or three in the morning, looking at shop windows. The cops take me to the station and fingerprint me. But I wouldn't call that hanging out.
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There's a joke in everything, the trick is finding it. The best compliment a joke can get is what Huxley said about Darwin's theory of evolution - 'Why didn't I think of that?'
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A friend of mine gave me a Philip Glass record. I listened to it for five hours before I realized it had a scratch on it.
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I learned about sex the hard way... from books.
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They have a sign at the beach, no glass bottles. I think that's so the other sand particles don't feel like underachievers.
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I once had a large gay following, but I ducked into an alleyway and lost him.
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When I was a kid, my goodness, corporate America was a bunch of stolid white guys in gray suits trying to be serious, and now it's stolid white guys in gray suits trying to be funny.
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I picked up a hitch hiker. You've got to when you hit them.
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The Scots are a very tough people. They have drive-by headbuttings. In Glasgow a sweatband is considered a silencer.
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When I was a kid, my nickname was Mr. Baseball. Because of the stitches.
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For some reason, religious jokes seem as trivial as jokes about food or driving.
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Lord please break the laws of the universe for my convenience. Amen.
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At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free and charge five dollars for the second glass. The refill contained the antidote.
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If you can make just one person laugh, then you are already doing better than Tony Danza.
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I got a job at an amusement park. I like to make the rides more terrifying by throwing a couple of screws onto the seats.
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My sister married a German. He complained he couldn't get a good bagel back home. I said: 'Well, whose fault is that?'
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Anger punishes the bearer's heart. Who remains angry suffers most. For many, the search for perfection virtually guarantees it will be found, and disregarded in order to continue the search. Some mornings it just doesn't seem worth it to gnaw through the leather straps.
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Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps.
Emo Philips