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I think the whole concept of monotheism is a gift from the gods.
Emo Philips
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Emo Philips
Age: 68
Born: 1956
Born: February 7
Comedian
Film Actor
Stand-Up Comedy
Chicago
Illinois
Concept
Gods
Concepts
Gift
Whole
Think
Thinking
Monotheism
More quotes by Emo Philips
He taught me never to smile, which helps me when I visit disaster sites.
Emo Philips
Everyone, everywhere, and all the time, used to laugh at me when I was growing up. So, when I was around 18, I thought, 'I'll become a comedian, and then if everyone laughs at me, I'll be famous.' So I went on stage one night and, for the first time in my life, everyone stopped laughing at me.
Emo Philips
I'm not a Republican... but I am saving up to be one.
Emo Philips
I had a very close relationship with another kid when I was growing up. I was his imaginary friend.
Emo Philips
I don't have to tell you folks about scuba diving. So, that'll save some time.
Emo Philips
Charlie Chaplin is the greatest artist of the 20th century. He takes me from laughter to tears in seconds. And he was one of the very first funny men. It's like the original violins were made in Cremona and there's never been any better since. Sometimes the best come right off the bat.
Emo Philips
I was a cute baby. My mom said when I was born they threw away the mold. Some of it grew back.
Emo Philips
Every time I see Dan Quayle I feel like buying a vowel.
Emo Philips
I was walking down the street the other day and these construction workers were working on the roof hammering away. One of them told me I was a paranoid lunatic... in morse code.
Emo Philips
Ambiguity — the Devil's volleyball.
Emo Philips
I went into the gas station, said, Fill 'er up, Harry. The guy said, Regular? I said, No, put on a gorrila suit and dance like a fairy.
Emo Philips
Once I posed nude for a magazine. I've never been back to THAT newstand.
Emo Philips
I'm not Catholic, but I gave up picking my belly button for lint.
Emo Philips
They have a sign at the beach, no glass bottles. I think that's so the other sand particles don't feel like underachievers.
Emo Philips
My computer beat me at checkers, but I sure beat it at kickboxing.
Emo Philips
You know, a lot of girls go out with me just to further their careers...damn anthropologists.
Emo Philips
I asked my girlfriend, 'Will you marry me?' She said, 'We'll have to ask my father.' So we had a seance and Jack Ruby says, 'Hello!'
Emo Philips
I pray a simple prayer every morning. It's an ecumenical prayer. Whether you're Catholic or Jewish or Muslim or Hindu, I think it speaks to the heart of every faith. It goes “Lord please break the laws of the universe for my convenience. Amen.”
Emo Philips
If you can make just one person laugh, then you are already doing better than Tony Danza.
Emo Philips
One man's pet-stained carpet is another man's Twister game.
Emo Philips