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My first job as a kid was going from door to door selling Christmas cards, to raise money for my grandmother's hip replacement. Because, you know... You break it, you buy it.

Emo Philips

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Emo Philips
Age: 68
Born: 1956
Born: February 7
Comedian
Film Actor
Stand-Up Comedy
Chicago
Illinois
Firsts
Selling
First
Raises
Replacement
Going
Door
Replacements
Doors
Hips
Break
Grandmother
Jobs
Cards
Money
Raise
Kids
Christmas

More quotes by Emo Philips

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Recently, I've ventured into the mammal family - so that's good for my sex life.
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Now there's a seven-day waiting period to buy a gun. Who can stay mad that long?
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I never cheated on my wife. I took seriously those vows of celibacy.
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You should get married. When I was younger, I was into the fame and fortune, and now I realize that a loving wife and happy children - that's life's greatest consolation prize.
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My mother was like a sister to me, only we didn't have sex quite so often.
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Anger punishes the bearer's heart. Who remains angry suffers most. For many, the search for perfection virtually guarantees it will be found, and disregarded in order to continue the search. Some mornings it just doesn't seem worth it to gnaw through the leather straps.
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There's a joke in everything, the trick is finding it. The best compliment a joke can get is what Huxley said about Darwin's theory of evolution - 'Why didn't I think of that?'
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I think fur looks better on an animal than on a human being. So I dress my dog in a mink teddy.
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My computer beat me at checkers, but I sure beat it at kickboxing.
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At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free and charge five dollars for the second glass. The refill contained the antidote.
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Writer's block is a myth. I never see the gardeners suffering from gardening block.
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The battle of the sexes will never be won as long as we keep sleeping with the enemy.
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Girls throw their panties on the stage, but rarely if ever do they fit.
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Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps.
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I once had a large gay following, but I ducked into an alleyway and lost him.
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My parents had very strict rules for me. Rules like, I couldn't be home until a certain hour.
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A friend of mine gave me a Philip Glass record. I listened to it for five hours before I realized it had a scratch on it.
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I was feeling a bit down, I went to a therapist a few times, at a hundred bucks a pop. But then I realized that no therapy session would ever cheer me up half as much as if I was just strolling along and found a hundred dollar bill.
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I've always thought the best way to teach a kid not to be scared of the dark is to fill his daylight hours with as much horror as possible.
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A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
Emo Philips