Quote

My first job as a kid was going from door to door selling Christmas cards, to raise money for my grandmother's hip replacement. Because, you know... You break it, you buy it.

Emo Philips

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Emo Philips
Age: 68
Born: 1956
Born: February 7
Comedian
Film Actor
Stand-Up Comedy
Chicago
Illinois
Jobs
Cards
Money
Raise
Kids
Christmas
Firsts
Selling
First
Raises
Replacement
Going
Door
Replacements
Doors
Hips
Break
Grandmother

More quotes by Emo Philips

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My sister just had a baby. We can have company over. She'll be in front of everyone with her um... breast... out feeding it. You know... cereal or whatever.
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People come up to me and say, 'Emo, do people really come up to you?'
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I'm learning Cuban. It's like Spanish, but with fewer words for luxury items.
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My parents had very strict rules for me. Rules like, I couldn't be home until a certain hour.
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Lord please break the laws of the universe for my convenience. Amen.
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I like to play chess with bald men in the park although it's hard to find 32 of them.
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When I wake up in the morning, I just can't get started until I've had that first, piping hot pot of coffee. Oh, I've tried other enemas.
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I don't really hang out with people. I like to be by myself. In fact, I've been arrested a few times because I like to walk around at two or three in the morning, looking at shop windows. The cops take me to the station and fingerprint me. But I wouldn't call that hanging out.
Emo Philips
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Probably the toughest time in anyone's life is when you have to murder a loved one because they're the devil.
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I love England. In fact, they're getting to know me so well at Heathrow Immigration that this time I was able to completely bypass the six months rabies quarantine.
Emo Philips
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My sister gained 80 pounds expecting her baby. Well, you get nervous, waiting for those adoption papers to clear.
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If you're worth over $50m you should have to dress like that guy on the Monopoly box. The super-rich shouldn't get all the benefits of looking like a regular guy.
Emo Philips
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I was the kid next door's imaginary friend.
Emo Philips
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He taught me never to smile, which helps me when I visit disaster sites.
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When I was a kid, I slept on rubber sheets, but now, I'm a man. And I can take the wetness!
Emo Philips
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A friend of mine gave me a Philip Glass record. I listened to it for five hours before I realized it had a scratch on it.
Emo Philips
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The American government is making nuclear weapons like there's no tomorrow.
Emo Philips
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Coming up with a funny joke is like falling in love: It can hit you any time, anywhere. Having said that, the more you put yourself out there, the better your odds will be.
Emo Philips
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You know, a lot of girls go out with me just to further their careers...damn anthropologists.
Emo Philips
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I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
Emo Philips