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My first job as a kid was going from door to door selling Christmas cards, to raise money for my grandmother's hip replacement. Because, you know... You break it, you buy it.

Emo Philips

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Emo Philips
Age: 68
Born: 1956
Born: February 7
Comedian
Film Actor
Stand-Up Comedy
Chicago
Illinois
First
Raises
Replacement
Going
Door
Replacements
Doors
Hips
Break
Grandmother
Jobs
Cards
Money
Raise
Kids
Christmas
Firsts
Selling

More quotes by Emo Philips

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When I went to college, my parents threw a going away party for me, according to the letter.
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I was feeling a bit down, I went to a therapist a few times, at a hundred bucks a pop. But then I realized that no therapy session would ever cheer me up half as much as if I was just strolling along and found a hundred dollar bill.
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I once had a large gay following, but I ducked into an alleyway and lost him.
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I started doing stand-up at the age of 20. This was back in 1976, around the time (coincidence?) that the first comedy clubs were starting. The young comedians of today gasp when I tell them how many shows I did that first year: 500. Five nights a week.
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I think the whole concept of monotheism is a gift from the gods.
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Sex is logically impossible after marriage. You have to overcome the paradox of Not this again, and Hey, where did you learn that?
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A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
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My girlfriend said, Just buy me something crazy and expensive, something I don't even need! So, I signed her up for radiation treatment.
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I've always thought the best way to teach a kid not to be scared of the dark is to fill his daylight hours with as much horror as possible.
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A friend of mine gave me a Philip Glass record. I listened to it for five hours before I realized it had a scratch on it.
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I always wanted a beautiful loving wife and she always wanted to be a citizen.
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I have a lot more things to talk about now because I'm an adult.
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They have a sign at the beach, no glass bottles. I think that's so the other sand particles don't feel like underachievers.
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Probably the toughest time in anyone's life is when you have to murder a loved one because they're the devil.
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I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
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I asked the head musician if I could go onstage during the next break and he said sure. I got two laughs in twenty minutes, and walked out feeling more elated than I had ever felt in my entire life. The glory of that triumph contented me for two full years.
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I love England. In fact, they're getting to know me so well at Heathrow Immigration that this time I was able to completely bypass the six months rabies quarantine.
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My mom gave me one of those cloth calendars for the kitchen. It took me three hours to sew in a dental appointment.
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I lent a friend of mine $10,000 for plastic surgery and now I don't know what he looks like.
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My dad and I, we used to play baseball. I was the catcher. Which I liked. Until one day, I saw this game on TV, and I said, Hang on, how come their catcher doesn't have his hands tied to his ankles?
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