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My first job as a kid was going from door to door selling Christmas cards, to raise money for my grandmother's hip replacement. Because, you know... You break it, you buy it.

Emo Philips

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Emo Philips
Age: 68
Born: 1956
Born: February 7
Comedian
Film Actor
Stand-Up Comedy
Chicago
Illinois
Money
Raise
Kids
Christmas
Firsts
Selling
First
Raises
Replacement
Going
Door
Replacements
Doors
Hips
Break
Grandmother
Jobs
Cards

More quotes by Emo Philips

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I picked up a hitch hiker. You've got to when you hit them.
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Countries are making nuclear weapons like there is no tomorrow.
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I was in a bar the other night, hopping from barstool to barstool, trying to get lucky, but there wasn't any gum under any of them.
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I lent a friend of mine $10,000 for plastic surgery and now I don't know what he looks like.
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When deciding between two competing theories, always go with the one that doesn't involve a magic spell.
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I learned about sex the hard way... from books.
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I don't really hang out with people. I like to be by myself. In fact, I've been arrested a few times because I like to walk around at two or three in the morning, looking at shop windows. The cops take me to the station and fingerprint me. But I wouldn't call that hanging out.
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They have a sign at the beach, no glass bottles. I think that's so the other sand particles don't feel like underachievers.
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I think the whole concept of monotheism is a gift from the gods.
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I love England. In fact, they're getting to know me so well at Heathrow Immigration that this time I was able to completely bypass the six months rabies quarantine.
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When I was a kid my parents used to tell me, Emo, don't go near the cellar door! One day when they were away, I went up to the cellar door. And I pushed it and walked through and saw strange, wonderful things, things I had never seen before, like... trees. Grass. Flowers. The sun... that was nice... the sun.
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For some reason, religious jokes seem as trivial as jokes about food or driving.
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I read that nine out of 10 women fantasize about having an unknown man leap through their bedroom window at night and make mad, passionate love to them. Who would think with those odds, I would now be facing 150 hours of community service.
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In college I was one of six males who auditioned for five male roles in a comedy play. I was the one rejected. At that moment I made up my mind never to place myself at the mercy of some pompous, goateed, black-turtleneck-shirted should I yay him or nay him? pantywaist ever again.
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I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
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I'm not a Republican... but I am saving up to be one.
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But I like to swim. At high school, I tried out for the swim team. I shaved off all my body hair, and that extra burst of speed from all the bullies shouting Kill the fairy.
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My sister gained 80 pounds expecting her baby. Well, you get nervous, waiting for those adoption papers to clear.
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Once I posed nude for a magazine. I've never been back to THAT newstand.
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I had a very close relationship with another kid when I was growing up. I was his imaginary friend.
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