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My first job as a kid was going from door to door selling Christmas cards, to raise money for my grandmother's hip replacement. Because, you know... You break it, you buy it.

Emo Philips

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Emo Philips
Age: 68
Born: 1956
Born: February 7
Comedian
Film Actor
Stand-Up Comedy
Chicago
Illinois
Firsts
Selling
First
Raises
Replacement
Going
Door
Replacements
Doors
Hips
Break
Grandmother
Jobs
Cards
Money
Raise
Kids
Christmas

More quotes by Emo Philips

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I like to play chess with bald men in the park although it's hard to find 32 of them.
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Ambiguity — the Devil's volleyball.
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I learned about sex the hard way... from books.
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Recently, I've ventured into the mammal family - so that's good for my sex life.
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A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
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When I was a kid, my goodness, corporate America was a bunch of stolid white guys in gray suits trying to be serious, and now it's stolid white guys in gray suits trying to be funny.
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When I went to college, my parents threw a going away party for me, according to the letter.
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I pray a simple prayer every morning. It's an ecumenical prayer. Whether you're Catholic or Jewish or Muslim or Hindu, I think it speaks to the heart of every faith. It goes “Lord please break the laws of the universe for my convenience. Amen.”
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I don't know how electricity works. All I know is that it calms me.
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Once I was in a restaurant and I dropped my fork on the floor, and they gave me a new fork. So I pushed my girlfriend out of her chair.
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I got a letter from the IRS. Apparently I owe them $800. So I sent them a letter back. I said, If you'll remember, I fastened my return with a paper clip, which according to your very own latest government pentagon spending figures will more than make up for the difference.
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I don't really hang out with people. I like to be by myself. In fact, I've been arrested a few times because I like to walk around at two or three in the morning, looking at shop windows. The cops take me to the station and fingerprint me. But I wouldn't call that hanging out.
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They call me Good Time Emo. Because I love a good time! And my name is Emo.
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I once had a large gay following, but I ducked into an alleyway and lost him.
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I've always kind of pushed the envelope in terms of trying to get away with things no one else was going near. I always thought of myself like a mouse trying to get cheese that no one else could get without getting their tail snipped off.
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I always wanted a beautiful loving wife and she always wanted to be a citizen.
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New York's such a wonderful city. Although I was at the library today. The guy was very rude. I said, I'd like a card. He says, You have to prove you're a citizen of New York. So I stabbed him.
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I never cheated on my wife. I took seriously those vows of celibacy.
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I'm learning Cuban. It's like Spanish, but with fewer words for luxury items.
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When I was a kid, my nickname was Mr. Baseball. Because of the stitches.
Emo Philips