Share
×
Inspirational Quotes
Authors
Professions
Topics
Tags
Quote
One man's pet-stained carpet is another man's Twister game.
Emo Philips
Share
Change background
T
T
T
Change font
Original
TAGS & TOPICS
Emo Philips
Age: 68
Born: 1956
Born: February 7
Comedian
Film Actor
Stand-Up Comedy
Chicago
Illinois
Pet
Game
Games
Another
Men
Twister
Stained
Carpet
More quotes by Emo Philips
My sister gained 80 pounds expecting her baby. Well, you get nervous, waiting for those adoption papers to clear.
Emo Philips
I give money to Unicef because I like the 'bang for your buck' aspect. Here's $10, go and save 1,000 kids from blindness!
Emo Philips
When I was a kid my dad would say, Emo, do you believe in the Lord? I'd say, Yes! He'd say, Then stand up and shout Hallelujah! So I would ... and I'd fall out of the roller coaster.
Emo Philips
I was walking down fifth avenue today and I found a wallet, and I was gonna keep it, rather than return it, but I thought: well, if I lost a hundred and fifty dollars, how would I feel? And I realized I would want to be taught a lesson.
Emo Philips
I find you can often find humor just by turning something upside-down. Like a... small child.
Emo Philips
When I was a kid, my nickname was Mr. Baseball. Because of the stitches.
Emo Philips
I asked my girlfriend, 'Will you marry me?' She said, 'We'll have to ask my father.' So we had a seance and Jack Ruby says, 'Hello!'
Emo Philips
When I was 10, I beat up the school bully. His arms were in casts. That's what gave me the courage.
Emo Philips
A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
Emo Philips
My parents had very strict rules for me. Rules like, I couldn't be home until a certain hour.
Emo Philips
Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps.
Emo Philips
I read that nine out of 10 women fantasize about having an unknown man leap through their bedroom window at night and make mad, passionate love to them. Who would think with those odds, I would now be facing 150 hours of community service.
Emo Philips
Charlie Chaplin is the greatest artist of the 20th century. He takes me from laughter to tears in seconds. And he was one of the very first funny men. It's like the original violins were made in Cremona and there's never been any better since. Sometimes the best come right off the bat.
Emo Philips
Writer's block is a myth. I never see the gardeners suffering from gardening block.
Emo Philips
When deciding between two competing theories, always go with the one that doesn't involve a magic spell.
Emo Philips
Probably the toughest time in anyone's life is when you have to murder a loved one because they're the devil.
Emo Philips
When I went to college, my parents threw a going away party for me, according to the letter.
Emo Philips
I've always kind of pushed the envelope in terms of trying to get away with things no one else was going near. I always thought of myself like a mouse trying to get cheese that no one else could get without getting their tail snipped off.
Emo Philips
I got a letter from the IRS. Apparently I owe them $800. So I sent them a letter back. I said, If you'll remember, I fastened my return with a paper clip, which according to your very own latest government pentagon spending figures will more than make up for the difference.
Emo Philips
Coming up with a funny joke is like falling in love: It can hit you any time, anywhere. Having said that, the more you put yourself out there, the better your odds will be.
Emo Philips