Quote

I think fur looks better on an animal than on a human being. So I dress my dog in a mink teddy.

Emo Philips

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Emo Philips
Age: 68
Born: 1956
Born: February 7
Comedian
Film Actor
Stand-Up Comedy
Chicago
Illinois
Dog
Animal
Better
Human
Mink
Humans
Fur
Looks
Teddy
Think
Dress
Thinking
Dresses

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My girlfriend said, Emo, I'm seeing another man. I said, Well, try rubbing your eyes or something.
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In college I was one of six males who auditioned for five male roles in a comedy play. I was the one rejected. At that moment I made up my mind never to place myself at the mercy of some pompous, goateed, black-turtleneck-shirted should I yay him or nay him? pantywaist ever again.
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My girlfriend said, Just buy me something crazy and expensive, something I don't even need! So, I signed her up for radiation treatment.
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I'm learning Cuban. It's like Spanish, but with fewer words for luxury items.
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For some reason, religious jokes seem as trivial as jokes about food or driving.
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Christmas seems to start earlier and earlier every year. Like, this time, it's on December 25th.
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I read that nine out of 10 women fantasize about having an unknown man leap through their bedroom window at night and make mad, passionate love to them. Who would think with those odds, I would now be facing 150 hours of community service.
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He taught me never to smile, which helps me when I visit disaster sites.
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The American government is making nuclear weapons like there's no tomorrow.
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You know what I hate? Indian givers... no, I take that back.
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The subconscious is like having a laboratory assistant who pretends to love you and help you, but after you go home to go to sleep it goes back into the lab and starts fumbling with the data and destroying it. It's a very tricky thing. People think our minds are us, but that's not true at all. The mind is not us.
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I picked up a hitch hiker. You've got to when you hit them.
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I'm totally normal in every respect, but I have this one quirk - I can't give out a number without laughing. It's a problem when I'm giving my credit card number over the phone because they always think: 'He must have just stolen it.'
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I got a letter from the IRS. Apparently I owe them $800. So I sent them a letter back. I said, If you'll remember, I fastened my return with a paper clip, which according to your very own latest government pentagon spending figures will more than make up for the difference.
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I always wanted a beautiful loving wife and she always wanted to be a citizen.
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A Mormon told me that they don't drink coffee. I said, A cup of coffee every day gives you wonderful benefits. He said, Like what? I said, Well, it keeps you from being Mormon ...
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I've been wrestling with reality for most of my life. I'm pleased to say I've won.
Emo Philips
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People come up to me and say, 'Emo, do people really come up to you?'
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My computer beat me at checkers, but I sure beat it at kickboxing.
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Girls throw their panties on the stage, but rarely if ever do they fit.
Emo Philips