Quote

I think fur looks better on an animal than on a human being. So I dress my dog in a mink teddy.

Emo Philips

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Emo Philips
Age: 68
Born: 1956
Born: February 7
Comedian
Film Actor
Stand-Up Comedy
Chicago
Illinois
Dog
Animal
Better
Human
Mink
Humans
Fur
Looks
Teddy
Think
Dress
Thinking
Dresses

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I lent a friend of mine $10,000 for plastic surgery and now I don't know what he looks like.
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I always wanted a beautiful loving wife and she always wanted to be a citizen.
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Everyone, everywhere, and all the time, used to laugh at me when I was growing up. So, when I was around 18, I thought, 'I'll become a comedian, and then if everyone laughs at me, I'll be famous.' So I went on stage one night and, for the first time in my life, everyone stopped laughing at me.
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When deciding between two competing theories, always go with the one that doesn't involve a magic spell.
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I don't really hang out with people. I like to be by myself. In fact, I've been arrested a few times because I like to walk around at two or three in the morning, looking at shop windows. The cops take me to the station and fingerprint me. But I wouldn't call that hanging out.
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I told my wife she looks sexy with black fingernails. Now she thinks I slammed the car door on her hand on purpose.
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The other night, the president gave a speech. He said, children are our most prescious natural resource. I thought, let's hope it never comes to that.
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I'm learning Cuban. It's like Spanish, but with fewer words for luxury items.
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Thinking up jokes is easy. The hard part is trying them out on stage, because you never know if they're funny until you get there. Not one comedian in the world ever really knows.
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The subconscious is like having a laboratory assistant who pretends to love you and help you, but after you go home to go to sleep it goes back into the lab and starts fumbling with the data and destroying it. It's a very tricky thing. People think our minds are us, but that's not true at all. The mind is not us.
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I caught my wife in bed with another man and I was crushed. So I said, Get off of me, you two!
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He taught me never to smile, which helps me when I visit disaster sites.
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Sex is logically impossible after marriage. You have to overcome the paradox of Not this again, and Hey, where did you learn that?
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My sister gained 80 pounds expecting her baby. Well, you get nervous, waiting for those adoption papers to clear.
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I had a very close relationship with another kid when I was growing up. I was his imaginary friend.
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I used to be scared of pretty girls, until one confessed they're just as scared of me.
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I've always kind of pushed the envelope in terms of trying to get away with things no one else was going near. I always thought of myself like a mouse trying to get cheese that no one else could get without getting their tail snipped off.
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I'm not Catholic, but I gave up picking my belly button for lint.
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My mom gave me one of those cloth calendars for the kitchen. It took me three hours to sew in a dental appointment.
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I got a job at an amusement park. I like to make the rides more terrifying by throwing a couple of screws onto the seats.
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