Quote

They have a sign at the beach, no glass bottles. I think that's so the other sand particles don't feel like underachievers.

Emo Philips

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Emo Philips
Age: 68
Born: 1956
Born: February 7
Comedian
Film Actor
Stand-Up Comedy
Chicago
Illinois
Particles
Feels
Bottles
Think
Glass
Thinking
Sand
Like
Beach
Glasses
Sign
Feel

More quotes by Emo Philips

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For some reason, religious jokes seem as trivial as jokes about food or driving.
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I always wanted a beautiful loving wife and she always wanted to be a citizen.
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I'm learning Cuban. It's like Spanish, but with fewer words for luxury items.
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My first job as a kid was going from door to door selling Christmas cards, to raise money for my grandmother's hip replacement. Because, you know... You break it, you buy it.
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A Mormon told me that they don't drink coffee. I said, A cup of coffee every day gives you wonderful benefits. He said, Like what? I said, Well, it keeps you from being Mormon ...
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If you can make just one person laugh, then you are already doing better than Tony Danza.
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I grew up in an era when strange adults would grab me on the street and say: 'Don't do that.' You never see that these days. 'Hi, we took the liberty of spanking your son.' Oh thanks, my hand was getting worn.
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Girls throw their panties on the stage, but rarely if ever do they fit.
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Lord please break the laws of the universe for my convenience. Amen.
Emo Philips
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Anger punishes the bearer's heart. Who remains angry suffers most. For many, the search for perfection virtually guarantees it will be found, and disregarded in order to continue the search. Some mornings it just doesn't seem worth it to gnaw through the leather straps.
Emo Philips
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Thinking up jokes is easy. The hard part is trying them out on stage, because you never know if they're funny until you get there. Not one comedian in the world ever really knows.
Emo Philips
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When I was a kid my dad would say, Emo, do you believe in the Lord? I'd say, Yes! He'd say, Then stand up and shout Hallelujah! So I would ... and I'd fall out of the roller coaster.
Emo Philips
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How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.
Emo Philips
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My sister gained 80 pounds expecting her baby. Well, you get nervous, waiting for those adoption papers to clear.
Emo Philips
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My sister married a German. He complained he couldn't get a good bagel back home. I said: 'Well, whose fault is that?'
Emo Philips
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I'm not Catholic, but I gave up picking my belly button for lint.
Emo Philips
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He taught me never to smile, which helps me when I visit disaster sites.
Emo Philips
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Probably the toughest time in anyone's life is when you have to murder a loved one because they're the devil.
Emo Philips
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I was a cute baby. My mom said when I was born they threw away the mold. Some of it grew back.
Emo Philips
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I think of my body as a temple. Or at least a relatively well-managed Presbyterian youth center.
Emo Philips