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Once I was in a restaurant and I dropped my fork on the floor, and they gave me a new fork. So I pushed my girlfriend out of her chair.

Emo Philips

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Emo Philips
Age: 68
Born: 1956
Born: February 7
Comedian
Film Actor
Stand-Up Comedy
Chicago
Illinois
Restaurant
Pushed
Chair
Chairs
Floor
Restaurants
Fork
Girlfriend
Forks
Gave
Dropped

More quotes by Emo Philips

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Every time I see Dan Quayle I feel like buying a vowel.
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I've always kind of pushed the envelope in terms of trying to get away with things no one else was going near. I always thought of myself like a mouse trying to get cheese that no one else could get without getting their tail snipped off.
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Anger punishes the bearer's heart. Who remains angry suffers most. For many, the search for perfection virtually guarantees it will be found, and disregarded in order to continue the search. Some mornings it just doesn't seem worth it to gnaw through the leather straps.
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I started doing stand-up at the age of 20. This was back in 1976, around the time (coincidence?) that the first comedy clubs were starting. The young comedians of today gasp when I tell them how many shows I did that first year: 500. Five nights a week.
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I was a cute baby. My mom said when I was born they threw away the mold. Some of it grew back.
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I picked up a hitch hiker. You've got to when you hit them.
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My sister gained 80 pounds expecting her baby. Well, you get nervous, waiting for those adoption papers to clear.
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I read that nine out of 10 women fantasize about having an unknown man leap through their bedroom window at night and make mad, passionate love to them. Who would think with those odds, I would now be facing 150 hours of community service.
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My grandmother's brain was dead, but her heart was still beating. It was the first time we ever had a democrat in the family.
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My girlfriend said, Emo, I'm seeing another man. I said, Well, try rubbing your eyes or something.
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I'm learning Cuban. It's like Spanish, but with fewer words for luxury items.
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I went into the gas station, said, Fill 'er up, Harry. The guy said, Regular? I said, No, put on a gorrila suit and dance like a fairy.
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People come up to me and say, 'Emo, do people really come up to you?'
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When I was a kid, I slept on rubber sheets, but now, I'm a man. And I can take the wetness!
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The other day a woman came up to me and said, Didn't I see you on television? I said, I don't know. You can't see out the other way.
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Thinking up jokes is easy. The hard part is trying them out on stage, because you never know if they're funny until you get there. Not one comedian in the world ever really knows.
Emo Philips
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I'm not Catholic, but I gave up picking my belly button for lint.
Emo Philips
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But I like to swim. At high school, I tried out for the swim team. I shaved off all my body hair, and that extra burst of speed from all the bullies shouting Kill the fairy.
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I think the whole concept of monotheism is a gift from the gods.
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I like to play chess with bald men in the park although it's hard to find 32 of them.
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