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Once I was in a restaurant and I dropped my fork on the floor, and they gave me a new fork. So I pushed my girlfriend out of her chair.

Emo Philips

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Emo Philips
Age: 68
Born: 1956
Born: February 7
Comedian
Film Actor
Stand-Up Comedy
Chicago
Illinois
Chairs
Floor
Fork
Restaurants
Forks
Girlfriend
Dropped
Gave
Restaurant
Pushed
Chair

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I caught my wife in bed with another man and I was crushed. So I said, Get off of me, you two!
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When I went to college, my parents threw a going away party for me, according to the letter.
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Anger punishes the bearer's heart. Who remains angry suffers most. For many, the search for perfection virtually guarantees it will be found, and disregarded in order to continue the search. Some mornings it just doesn't seem worth it to gnaw through the leather straps.
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I give money to Unicef because I like the 'bang for your buck' aspect. Here's $10, go and save 1,000 kids from blindness!
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My parents had very strict rules for me. Rules like, I couldn't be home until a certain hour.
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How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.
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One man's pet-stained carpet is another man's Twister game.
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The Scots are a very tough people. They have drive-by headbuttings. In Glasgow a sweatband is considered a silencer.
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I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
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The American government is making nuclear weapons like there's no tomorrow.
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Writer's block is a myth. I never see the gardeners suffering from gardening block.
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My mom gave me one of those cloth calendars for the kitchen. It took me three hours to sew in a dental appointment.
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I'm learning Cuban. It's like Spanish, but with fewer words for luxury items.
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My sister just had a baby. We can have company over. She'll be in front of everyone with her um... breast... out feeding it. You know... cereal or whatever.
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I was walking down fifth avenue today and I found a wallet, and I was gonna keep it, rather than return it, but I thought: well, if I lost a hundred and fifty dollars, how would I feel? And I realized I would want to be taught a lesson.
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When I was a kid, I slept on rubber sheets, but now, I'm a man. And I can take the wetness!
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But I like to swim. At high school, I tried out for the swim team. I shaved off all my body hair, and that extra burst of speed from all the bullies shouting Kill the fairy.
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