Quote

Once I was in a restaurant and I dropped my fork on the floor, and they gave me a new fork. So I pushed my girlfriend out of her chair.

Emo Philips

Change background

T
T
T

Change font

TAGS & TOPICS

Emo Philips
Age: 68
Born: 1956
Born: February 7
Comedian
Film Actor
Stand-Up Comedy
Chicago
Illinois
Dropped
Gave
Restaurant
Pushed
Chair
Chairs
Floor
Fork
Restaurants
Forks
Girlfriend

More quotes by Emo Philips

Image
I went into the gas station, said, Fill 'er up, Harry. The guy said, Regular? I said, No, put on a gorrila suit and dance like a fairy.
Emo Philips
Image
They have a sign at the beach, no glass bottles. I think that's so the other sand particles don't feel like underachievers.
Emo Philips
Image
Coming up with a funny joke is like falling in love: It can hit you any time, anywhere. Having said that, the more you put yourself out there, the better your odds will be.
Emo Philips
Image
My sister gained 80 pounds expecting her baby. Well, you get nervous, waiting for those adoption papers to clear.
Emo Philips
Image
For some reason, religious jokes seem as trivial as jokes about food or driving.
Emo Philips
Image
My first job as a kid was going from door to door selling Christmas cards, to raise money for my grandmother's hip replacement. Because, you know... You break it, you buy it.
Emo Philips
Image
My dad and I, we used to play baseball. I was the catcher. Which I liked. Until one day, I saw this game on TV, and I said, Hang on, how come their catcher doesn't have his hands tied to his ankles?
Emo Philips
Image
I picked up a hitch hiker. You've got to when you hit them.
Emo Philips
Image
When I was 10, I beat up the school bully. His arms were in casts. That's what gave me the courage.
Emo Philips
Image
I got a job at an amusement park. I like to make the rides more terrifying by throwing a couple of screws onto the seats.
Emo Philips
Image
Every time I see Dan Quayle I feel like buying a vowel.
Emo Philips
Image
A friend of mine gave me a Philip Glass record. I listened to it for five hours before I realized it had a scratch on it.
Emo Philips
Image
Recently, I've ventured into the mammal family - so that's good for my sex life.
Emo Philips
Image
Thinking up jokes is easy. The hard part is trying them out on stage, because you never know if they're funny until you get there. Not one comedian in the world ever really knows.
Emo Philips
Image
I learned about sex the hard way... from books.
Emo Philips
Image
I have a lot more things to talk about now because I'm an adult.
Emo Philips
Image
I asked my girlfriend, 'Will you marry me?' She said, 'We'll have to ask my father.' So we had a seance and Jack Ruby says, 'Hello!'
Emo Philips
Image
My grandmother's brain was dead, but her heart was still beating. It was the first time we ever had a democrat in the family.
Emo Philips
Image
Sex is logically impossible after marriage. You have to overcome the paradox of Not this again, and Hey, where did you learn that?
Emo Philips
Image
I used to be scared of pretty girls, until one confessed they're just as scared of me.
Emo Philips