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Once I was in a restaurant and I dropped my fork on the floor, and they gave me a new fork. So I pushed my girlfriend out of her chair.

Emo Philips

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Emo Philips
Age: 68
Born: 1956
Born: February 7
Comedian
Film Actor
Stand-Up Comedy
Chicago
Illinois
Pushed
Chair
Chairs
Floor
Restaurants
Fork
Girlfriend
Forks
Gave
Dropped
Restaurant

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I have a lot more things to talk about now because I'm an adult.
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I was feeling a bit down, I went to a therapist a few times, at a hundred bucks a pop. But then I realized that no therapy session would ever cheer me up half as much as if I was just strolling along and found a hundred dollar bill.
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Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps.
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I used to be scared of pretty girls, until one confessed they're just as scared of me.
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My girlfriend said, Emo, I'm seeing another man. I said, Well, try rubbing your eyes or something.
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My grandmother's brain was dead, but her heart was still beating. It was the first time we ever had a democrat in the family.
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I never cheated on my wife. I took seriously those vows of celibacy.
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My computer beat me at checkers, but I sure beat it at kickboxing.
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I'm learning Cuban. It's like Spanish, but with fewer words for luxury items.
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