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Once I was in a restaurant and I dropped my fork on the floor, and they gave me a new fork. So I pushed my girlfriend out of her chair.
Emo Philips
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Emo Philips
Age: 68
Born: 1956
Born: February 7
Comedian
Film Actor
Stand-Up Comedy
Chicago
Illinois
Gave
Dropped
Restaurant
Pushed
Chair
Chairs
Floor
Restaurants
Fork
Girlfriend
Forks
More quotes by Emo Philips
My computer beat me at checkers, but I sure beat it at kickboxing.
Emo Philips
I was a cute baby. My mom said when I was born they threw away the mold. Some of it grew back.
Emo Philips
In college I was one of six males who auditioned for five male roles in a comedy play. I was the one rejected. At that moment I made up my mind never to place myself at the mercy of some pompous, goateed, black-turtleneck-shirted should I yay him or nay him? pantywaist ever again.
Emo Philips
A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
Emo Philips
I read that nine out of 10 women fantasize about having an unknown man leap through their bedroom window at night and make mad, passionate love to them. Who would think with those odds, I would now be facing 150 hours of community service.
Emo Philips
My parents were very protective. I couldn't even cross the street without them getting all excited, and placing bets.
Emo Philips
I had a very close relationship with another kid when I was growing up. I was his imaginary friend.
Emo Philips
I got a job at an amusement park. I like to make the rides more terrifying by throwing a couple of screws onto the seats.
Emo Philips
It's amazing where a joke might come from. I find a lot of humour just by metaphorically turning things upside down or literally like my wife's cat.
Emo Philips
I've always suffered from a complete inability to sense who's important.
Emo Philips
Thinking up jokes is easy. The hard part is trying them out on stage, because you never know if they're funny until you get there. Not one comedian in the world ever really knows.
Emo Philips
I picked up a hitch hiker. You've got to when you hit them.
Emo Philips
My mom gave me one of those cloth calendars for the kitchen. It took me three hours to sew in a dental appointment.
Emo Philips
Every time I see Dan Quayle I feel like buying a vowel.
Emo Philips
Sex is logically impossible after marriage. You have to overcome the paradox of Not this again, and Hey, where did you learn that?
Emo Philips
I don't have to tell you folks about scuba diving. So, that'll save some time.
Emo Philips
I grew up in an era when strange adults would grab me on the street and say: 'Don't do that.' You never see that these days. 'Hi, we took the liberty of spanking your son.' Oh thanks, my hand was getting worn.
Emo Philips
Coming up with a funny joke is like falling in love: It can hit you any time, anywhere. Having said that, the more you put yourself out there, the better your odds will be.
Emo Philips
My sister just had a baby. We can have company over. She'll be in front of everyone with her um... breast... out feeding it. You know... cereal or whatever.
Emo Philips
They have a sign at the beach, no glass bottles. I think that's so the other sand particles don't feel like underachievers.
Emo Philips