Quote

Once I was in a restaurant and I dropped my fork on the floor, and they gave me a new fork. So I pushed my girlfriend out of her chair.

Emo Philips

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Emo Philips
Age: 68
Born: 1956
Born: February 7
Comedian
Film Actor
Stand-Up Comedy
Chicago
Illinois
Chair
Chairs
Floor
Restaurants
Fork
Girlfriend
Forks
Gave
Dropped
Restaurant
Pushed

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Girls throw their panties on the stage, but rarely if ever do they fit.
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I got a letter from the IRS. Apparently I owe them $800. So I sent them a letter back. I said, If you'll remember, I fastened my return with a paper clip, which according to your very own latest government pentagon spending figures will more than make up for the difference.
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The subconscious is like having a laboratory assistant who pretends to love you and help you, but after you go home to go to sleep it goes back into the lab and starts fumbling with the data and destroying it. It's a very tricky thing. People think our minds are us, but that's not true at all. The mind is not us.
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I was the kid next door's imaginary friend.
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One man's pet-stained carpet is another man's Twister game.
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My parents were very protective. I couldn't even cross the street without them getting all excited, and placing bets.
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Well, my brother says 'Hello.' So, hooray for speech therapy.
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I got a job at an amusement park. I like to make the rides more terrifying by throwing a couple of screws onto the seats.
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When I was a kid my parents used to tell me, Emo, don't go near the cellar door! One day when they were away, I went up to the cellar door. And I pushed it and walked through and saw strange, wonderful things, things I had never seen before, like... trees. Grass. Flowers. The sun... that was nice... the sun.
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I wanted to get from 4th street to 8th... Then I remembered Einstein postulating that parallel lines eventually meet. They're dredging my car from Lake Michigan as we speak.
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When I went to college, my parents threw a going away party for me, according to the letter.
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But I like to swim. At high school, I tried out for the swim team. I shaved off all my body hair, and that extra burst of speed from all the bullies shouting Kill the fairy.
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If you're worth over $50m you should have to dress like that guy on the Monopoly box. The super-rich shouldn't get all the benefits of looking like a regular guy.
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Sex is logically impossible after marriage. You have to overcome the paradox of Not this again, and Hey, where did you learn that?
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You know what I hate? Indian givers... no, I take that back.
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People come up to me and say, 'Emo, do people really come up to you?'
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I was a cute baby. My mom said when I was born they threw away the mold. Some of it grew back.
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There's a joke in everything, the trick is finding it. The best compliment a joke can get is what Huxley said about Darwin's theory of evolution - 'Why didn't I think of that?'
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I don't have to tell you folks about scuba diving. So, that'll save some time.
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I picked up a hitch hiker. You've got to when you hit them.
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