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I don't know how electricity works. All I know is that it calms me.

Emo Philips

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Emo Philips
Age: 68
Born: 1956
Born: February 7
Comedian
Film Actor
Stand-Up Comedy
Chicago
Illinois
Calms
Electricity
Calm
Works

More quotes by Emo Philips

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I lent a friend of mine $10,000 for plastic surgery and now I don't know what he looks like.
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Well, my brother says 'Hello.' So, hooray for speech therapy.
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I had a very close relationship with another kid when I was growing up. I was his imaginary friend.
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I've always kind of pushed the envelope in terms of trying to get away with things no one else was going near. I always thought of myself like a mouse trying to get cheese that no one else could get without getting their tail snipped off.
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I've always had a special place in my heart for old women digging through garbage bins. They saved my life so many times as a baby.
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I'm not a Republican... but I am saving up to be one.
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In our school you were searched for guns and knifes on the way in and if you didn't have any, they gave you some.
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A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
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Now there's a seven-day waiting period to buy a gun. Who can stay mad that long?
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My grandmother's brain was dead, but her heart was still beating. It was the first time we ever had a democrat in the family.
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Everyone, everywhere, and all the time, used to laugh at me when I was growing up. So, when I was around 18, I thought, 'I'll become a comedian, and then if everyone laughs at me, I'll be famous.' So I went on stage one night and, for the first time in my life, everyone stopped laughing at me.
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I love England. In fact, they're getting to know me so well at Heathrow Immigration that this time I was able to completely bypass the six months rabies quarantine.
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I was walking down the street the other day and these construction workers were working on the roof hammering away. One of them told me I was a paranoid lunatic... in morse code.
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I asked the head musician if I could go onstage during the next break and he said sure. I got two laughs in twenty minutes, and walked out feeling more elated than I had ever felt in my entire life. The glory of that triumph contented me for two full years.
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Once I was in a restaurant and I dropped my fork on the floor, and they gave me a new fork. So I pushed my girlfriend out of her chair.
Emo Philips
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Anger punishes the bearer's heart. Who remains angry suffers most. For many, the search for perfection virtually guarantees it will be found, and disregarded in order to continue the search. Some mornings it just doesn't seem worth it to gnaw through the leather straps.
Emo Philips
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I think the whole concept of monotheism is a gift from the gods.
Emo Philips
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I have a lot more things to talk about now because I'm an adult.
Emo Philips
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I grew up in an era when strange adults would grab me on the street and say: 'Don't do that.' You never see that these days. 'Hi, we took the liberty of spanking your son.' Oh thanks, my hand was getting worn.
Emo Philips
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The battle of the sexes will never be won as long as we keep sleeping with the enemy.
Emo Philips