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The other night, the president gave a speech. He said, children are our most prescious natural resource. I thought, let's hope it never comes to that.
Emo Philips
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Emo Philips
Age: 68
Born: 1956
Born: February 7
Comedian
Film Actor
Stand-Up Comedy
Chicago
Illinois
Speech
Never
Hope
Natural
President
Comes
Resource
Night
Resources
Thought
Gave
Children
More quotes by Emo Philips
I lent a friend of mine $10,000 for plastic surgery and now I don't know what he looks like.
Emo Philips
I think fur looks better on an animal than on a human being. So I dress my dog in a mink teddy.
Emo Philips
I learned about sex the hard way... from books.
Emo Philips
I wanted to get from 4th street to 8th... Then I remembered Einstein postulating that parallel lines eventually meet. They're dredging my car from Lake Michigan as we speak.
Emo Philips
When I was a kid, my goodness, corporate America was a bunch of stolid white guys in gray suits trying to be serious, and now it's stolid white guys in gray suits trying to be funny.
Emo Philips
My dad and I, we used to play baseball. I was the catcher. Which I liked. Until one day, I saw this game on TV, and I said, Hang on, how come their catcher doesn't have his hands tied to his ankles?
Emo Philips
When I was a kid, my nickname was Mr. Baseball. Because of the stitches.
Emo Philips
Whatever happened to the good ole days, when children worked in factories?
Emo Philips
Girls throw their panties on the stage, but rarely if ever do they fit.
Emo Philips
Countries are making nuclear weapons like there is no tomorrow.
Emo Philips
For some reason, religious jokes seem as trivial as jokes about food or driving.
Emo Philips
It's amazing where a joke might come from. I find a lot of humour just by metaphorically turning things upside down or literally like my wife's cat.
Emo Philips
You know what I hate? Indian givers... no, I take that back.
Emo Philips
I was feeling a bit down, I went to a therapist a few times, at a hundred bucks a pop. But then I realized that no therapy session would ever cheer me up half as much as if I was just strolling along and found a hundred dollar bill.
Emo Philips
When I was a kid, I slept on rubber sheets, but now, I'm a man. And I can take the wetness!
Emo Philips
A Mormon told me that they don't drink coffee. I said, A cup of coffee every day gives you wonderful benefits. He said, Like what? I said, Well, it keeps you from being Mormon ...
Emo Philips
When I went to college, my parents threw a going away party for me, according to the letter.
Emo Philips
How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.
Emo Philips
But I like to swim. At high school, I tried out for the swim team. I shaved off all my body hair, and that extra burst of speed from all the bullies shouting Kill the fairy.
Emo Philips
I got a job at an amusement park. I like to make the rides more terrifying by throwing a couple of screws onto the seats.
Emo Philips
