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The other night, the president gave a speech. He said, children are our most prescious natural resource. I thought, let's hope it never comes to that.

Emo Philips

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Emo Philips
Age: 68
Born: 1956
Born: February 7
Comedian
Film Actor
Stand-Up Comedy
Chicago
Illinois
Night
Resource
Thought
Resources
Children
Gave
Never
Speech
Hope
Natural
President
Comes

More quotes by Emo Philips

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My dad and I, we used to play baseball. I was the catcher. Which I liked. Until one day, I saw this game on TV, and I said, Hang on, how come their catcher doesn't have his hands tied to his ankles?
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I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
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Christmas seems to start earlier and earlier every year. Like, this time, it's on December 25th.
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Now there's a seven-day waiting period to buy a gun. Who can stay mad that long?
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Lord please break the laws of the universe for my convenience. Amen.
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When I wake up in the morning, I just can't get started until I've had that first, piping hot pot of coffee. Oh, I've tried other enemas.
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I learned about sex the hard way... from books.
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If you're worth over $50m you should have to dress like that guy on the Monopoly box. The super-rich shouldn't get all the benefits of looking like a regular guy.
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I'm totally normal in every respect, but I have this one quirk - I can't give out a number without laughing. It's a problem when I'm giving my credit card number over the phone because they always think: 'He must have just stolen it.'
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I don't know how electricity works. All I know is that it calms me.
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I find you can often find humor just by turning something upside-down. Like a... small child.
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The other day a woman came up to me and said, Didn't I see you on television? I said, I don't know. You can't see out the other way.
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I never cheated on my wife. I took seriously those vows of celibacy.
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Coming up with a funny joke is like falling in love: It can hit you any time, anywhere. Having said that, the more you put yourself out there, the better your odds will be.
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Writer's block is a myth. I never see the gardeners suffering from gardening block.
Emo Philips
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When I was a kid, my nickname was Mr. Baseball. Because of the stitches.
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A friend of mine gave me a Philip Glass record. I listened to it for five hours before I realized it had a scratch on it.
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When deciding between two competing theories, always go with the one that doesn't involve a magic spell.
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I'm learning Cuban. It's like Spanish, but with fewer words for luxury items.
Emo Philips
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I had a very close relationship with another kid when I was growing up. I was his imaginary friend.
Emo Philips