Quote

A friend of mine gave me a Philip Glass record. I listened to it for five hours before I realized it had a scratch on it.

Emo Philips

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Emo Philips
Age: 68
Born: 1956
Born: February 7
Comedian
Film Actor
Stand-Up Comedy
Chicago
Illinois
Mines
Mine
Philip
Record
Scratch
Gave
Scratches
Friend
Listened
Records
Glass
Five
Glasses
Hours
Realized

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Christmas seems to start earlier and earlier every year. Like, this time, it's on December 25th.
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I caught my wife in bed with another man and I was crushed. So I said, Get off of me, you two!
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I'm not Catholic, but I gave up picking my belly button for lint.
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Girls throw their panties on the stage, but rarely if ever do they fit.
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I asked my girlfriend, 'Will you marry me?' She said, 'We'll have to ask my father.' So we had a seance and Jack Ruby says, 'Hello!'
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My sister married a German. He complained he couldn't get a good bagel back home. I said: 'Well, whose fault is that?'
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My computer beat me at checkers, but I sure beat it at kickboxing.
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Ambiguity — the Devil's volleyball.
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Once I was in a restaurant and I dropped my fork on the floor, and they gave me a new fork. So I pushed my girlfriend out of her chair.
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But I like to swim. At high school, I tried out for the swim team. I shaved off all my body hair, and that extra burst of speed from all the bullies shouting Kill the fairy.
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I think the whole concept of monotheism is a gift from the gods.
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I'm learning Cuban. It's like Spanish, but with fewer words for luxury items.
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I learned about sex the hard way... from books.
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Writer's block is a myth. I never see the gardeners suffering from gardening block.
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Thinking up jokes is easy. The hard part is trying them out on stage, because you never know if they're funny until you get there. Not one comedian in the world ever really knows.
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I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don't seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper.
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I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
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Coming up with a funny joke is like falling in love: It can hit you any time, anywhere. Having said that, the more you put yourself out there, the better your odds will be.
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